The Chronic Insomnia Christmas Special: Behind the Scenes!

We Just Finished the Christmas Special!

Today we finished recording what I believe is the most deliciously inappropriate Christmas special in the history of audio transmissions. This year's X-Mas extravaganza is a lot more fun than last year's edition, which was pretty good, but the only real holiday content was me taking a whack at a Leonard Cohen carol and another song about Christmas rape. Which was not that uplifting, really.

The new edition features a nog guzzling Santa Claus, a transvestite hooker, Grant Morrison, and Tiger Woods. Things go downhill pretty fast for Old St. Nick and it's up to us to save Christmas! And save Christmas we do, in the typical Chronic Insomnia style, which involves various bodily fluids and a good measure of blasphemy. You're welcome!




Quincy giving me the "donut" symbol in studio B. He's not asking for a breakfasty baked good. He wants something else entirely.



The Method Behind the Madness
Before there was a Chronic Insomnia, Mike & I used to do a lot of improv. We still do a fair amount of that. For a regular show, I generally show up with a half dozen pages of notes as a skeleton to keep me on track, but 85% of everything you listen to is unscripted, unrehearsed, and done in one take.

Skits are usually different, though. About 10% of the time, Quincy will produce something entirely on his own that I won't even know about until I get into Studio B and Mike will say "check this out" with a devilish grin on his face. That's how "Love Taco" got done.

Maybe 20% of the time, I will come up with something completely on my own with a full script, bring it to the show, and then beg Quincy to figure out how to produce everything I have written on my sheet. Usually when I go full script, very little gets changed and I take tighter control of the reigns, using Mike to take care of some voice work for flavor. Examples of bits like that: "Black Lantern", "The Growler", and the Didio/Lindelof interviews.



If you find my beard super sexy....it's OK. Roll with it. It just means that you're human.





Most of what you're hearing when you listen to a Chronic Insomnia sketch is a Mike Lamere springboard with a Ryan Lee script. Mike is the Mark Millar/Stan Lee of the group. He's a fountain of ideas. So Mike will come up with a concept, like.... "Hulk shows up on the Starship Enterprise and Sulu likes him, and then Hulk kills him engaging in hot gay sex."

And then Mike will look at me and say; "Does that sound like a good idea?" And then we'll laugh for about 10 minutes. And then I'll say; "I don't know if it works or not, you'll have to write it and then we'll see if it lands." And then Mike will give me that look that says "What the hell are you talking about? I just did write it."

And then I will generally sit down with a pen and paper after listening to Mike give me the major beats and pound out the actual dialogue. Mike almost always comes up with the skeleton, and I almost always put the meat and skin on it.




Mike at the helm of the controls in Studio B. This is where the real magic happens, folks!




And then we record it. And by we, I'm mean Mike. I couldn't record a show if you paid me $1,000. After two years of watching Quincy do what he does, I've picked up less than 3% of what it takes to be functional with the equipment. (insert joke here)

This year's Christmas special was sort of a return to our true improv past. Mike provided most of the springboards and beats, but there was never any script. It was Old School "ready, fire, aim" broadcasting. Mike would say something like "OK, Santa's going to wake up and get into his sleigh to deliver presents to Sly Stallone, or Harry Caray, or whatever." Then we turned the mics on, I'd take about 3 seconds to figure out something to say and -bang!- spit out whatever came to mind.

And that's how the story unfolded. 85% of what you're listening to was done in one take with no script....and it shows in parts. Every once in awhile the material I spat would be so choppy or wrong that we couldn't use it.

But it turned out shockingly cogent for total improv, and some of it crackles with the spontaneity. I'm particularly proud of the "wiping" bit in Santa's sleigh, which completely button-hooked Quincy and he rolled with it lightning quick like the old pro he is.

My opinion? The thing that separates us from the chaff is our experience performing together. We're probably too vulgar, but we've got undeniable stage chemistry. Recording was fun, hope you all enjoy our saucy little dish!

- Ryan

Christmas Sucks: Part 6

Exclusive Candid Photos of Quincy Christmas Shopping!

Hey. Christmas shopping really sucks. But my super producer Mike does it in style, my friends! First thing you have to do is scratch your stomach in such a manner that you show off your newly sculpted abs. "Man Among Men in 2010" is in full effect! Check out this washboard on Quincy:


Quincy likes to get in there with a good squint and check out the merchandise real careful like. He's looking at prices. He's inspecting for product flaws. This is not amateur time, folks. He's serious about that shit:















A picture is definitely worth a thousand words, folks. You don't need me to tell you that man was not meant to live like this. Quincy's yuletide agony is written across his face clearly:

Christmas Sucks: Part 5

Christmas: a time to betray your children's trust. YES...it's the time of year to spin a web of lies and deceit about mystical bearded men to your little ones, and I say it's a good thing.

We have far too many children out there who are being fed a steady diet of "you're a special snowflake" nonsense. We are populating the world with useless halfwits who are destined to be good for nothing but the licensed therapist industry. Lie to your children early and often. Toughen them up. Do it.

How did Ryan discover there was no Santa Claus? Same way I figured out most everything else...by reading a book. My parents had a bookshelf loaded mostly with self-help books, like "I'm OK, You're OK." I was having none of that. My personal philosophy from the age of 3 has been "I suck, but you're a frickin' IDIOT." And then there was my personal favorite from the family library....Helter Skelter.

While most little scamps were fumbling their way through Green Eggs & Ham, I was studying the Tate/LaBianca murders committed by the Manson family. And that's pretty much all you need to know about how I turned out the way I did.

One day I was paging through a parenting manual, and read through a passage guiding moms and dads through the art of teaching their kids about Santa Claus and trying to let them down easy when they finally twigged onto the truth. I was mortified, of course. Ah, delicious betrayal! They had lied to me! And I've been a better man for it, because if THOSE people were completely full of shit and able to weave tapestries of deception so I could amuse them with my fabricated wonder.....what was the rest of the world capable of? Awesome.

So what could possibly take the sting out of a season built upon untruths? How about movies based on comic books? That's what the folks at Chronic Insomnia do.

Some people think that 2009 was a significant year for comic book films. They're wrong. It was a banner year for genre entertainment, with Star Trek, GI Joe, and Transformers. But comic books? Not a whole lot.

There were some very brief appearances from minor players like The Surrogates. But the big daddy, really the only comic film worth talking about for 2009 was The Watchmen. It's largely forgotten already, but it's difficult to imagine a comic film arriving with more hype.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should probably visit Youtube and spin the Chronic Insomnia Watchmen Movie Special. It's probably our most ambitious project ever, and it turned out pretty darned good. Interesting if for no other reason than to see the Manatee in pre-weight-loss bulbous glory!

2010 figures to be a way better year for comic book films. Let's preview a bit, shall we?



Dead of Night, April
This was born in 1999 as a series of graphic novels called "Dylan Dog" from Dark Horse comics. It's about a supernatural detective named Dylan Dog, played in the film by Brandon Routh. I think this might be a nice little sleeper. I worry when a project is slanted toward grabbing big name stars. This one has serviceable talent, and the star of the show may actually end up being the script, which is preferable. I'm excited for this one.

Also, now might be a good time to pick up the original comics by Tiziano Sclavi and Angelo Stano or the TPB for Dylan Dog released earlier this year. If there is buzz about the film, those are bound to skyrocket. Take a poke through your LCS and see if you can grab these at cover or less.

Losers, April
This is an old Vertigo book by Andy Diggle, where after being betrayed and left for dead, members of a CIA black ops team root out those who targeted them for assassination. Yeah, that could work.



Kick-Ass, April
Mark Millar is an unstoppable machine! The original mini still hasn't been finished, and this movie is ready to launch in April???? Only that crazy Scottish git could pull it off. I'm telling you right now, the breakout star of the year is going to be Chloe Moretz, who plays Hitgirl in the movie. She's a whirling dervish of karate and charisma. She is going to own 2010.


Iron Man 2, May
The downside here is that Terrance Howard got a raw deal, and Whiplash is kind of a lame villain. But on the plus side, I can watch Robert Downey, Jr. play Tony Stark all day long. I'm interested to watch how this film may or may not progress toward the ultimate Avengers film. And then of course there's.....




Oliva Munn! Yeah. I'm in.






Jonah Hex, June
Jimmy Palmiotti describes this as a "heavy metal western", complete with soundtrack by....Mammoth? Hmmmmm. I'd be very scared about this becoming a giant pile of excrement, but I do have faith in Josh Brolin, who's an inspired choice to play Jonah. Yeah. Still a little scared, but I'm definitely going to go see it.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, unknown
Can't get a confirmed release date on this, but everyone involved seems to think this is coming out sometime in 2010. Scott Pilgrim has been a critical darling, and a little more female friendly than your standard comic book fare. If it gets a few more women into some comic book shops, I'm all for it. But for me, I'm not dying to see this in the theater. I'll rent it, though.


- Ryan

Mike smashes car into tree outside Studio B.

At 2:26 pm on Tuesday, Mike smashed his car into a tree outside Studio B, in the city that God forgot. Sources say that Michael was caught by his co-host Ryan Lee after cheating on him with at least 13 other podcasts. During the alleged fight, Ryan chased Mike out of the house with a golf club, beating on the back window of Michael's car. Ryan had caught Mike uploading another podcast while working on Chronic Insomnia.

Ryan was able to obtain Michael's laptop and find all of the other podcasts he's been hanging around with. Officers of the City that God forgot found Michael on the driveway snoring with his cock out. Ryan told police he was trying to help Mike out of the car with the golf club, but CPN News learned later that neighbors saw Ryan swinging a golf club at an obviously stunned Michael as he entered his Datson sedan to leave the Studio.

After further investigations by CPN News, we have learned that Michael was cheating with up 13 other podcasts while also doing Chronic Insomnia. The squeaky clean image of Michael is tarnished forever. Sponsors for Michael have said they will stand by the popular Podcast presenter through these rough times.

In a press conference late this evening, Michael made a statement on his personal Facebook page.

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt my infidelity has caused so many of my fans. I want to say I am sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I have done, but I want to give it the old Chronic Insomnia try.

I would like to ask everyone, mostly my fans and the good people of CPN for their understanding. After much soul searching, I have decided to step away from podcasting and take an indefinite break. I need to focus attention on my podcast partner and popular comic book podcast.

I ask for privacy for my podcast partner and all involved and I am especially grateful for those who have offered free sex and handjobs in these trying times."

How will the podcasting community continue without Michael? Reports from last year when Mike took a week off of the CPN, concluded that Comic Book Podcast downloads went down at least 40% over all. What will this do to the advertisers and sponsors of the CPN? Will this spell doom for other comic book podcasts?

Dennis Twat - Associated Press

Michael

Christmas Sucks: Part 4

Mistletoe: let's talk about it. Remember when sexual assault was as easy as hanging a poisonous and parasitic weed above your head? Try pulling that one in 2009, my friend. I dare you.

No, Christmas these days does indeed suck mightily. Nowadays, if you want any play, you have to be a gigantic asshole (so why is it I'm missing out, exactly?) or have....money or something. That's a lot more work than the plant bit. Depressing.

The good news is that there is an antidote to the sexual frustration of the holidays. It's a little something I like to call "making a bunch of goddamn money from comic books." It's a fun game, and it involves nothing more difficult than listening to the Queen Whore himself, Ryan Lee.

Here's a couple that actually stand a good chance of sitting at your local comic book shop for $15 right now:



Marvel Essential Uncanny X-Men Vol 1
Currently sitting on Amazon with a low price of around $90, which is ridiculous. For those of you unfamiliar with the Marvel Essentials, they are the best bargain in comics. They reprint classic, must-have older comics material, they pack as many as 25-30 issues per book, and they all cost $20 or less. Are you kidding me? The only downside is that they're printed in black-and-white, but you can't argue the value.

Uncanny Volume 1 (note: called "Classic" X-Men in the earlier editions) collects the first 24 issues of the original run by Stan Lee. Now, what kind of a genius allows something like this to go out of print? I mean, no new reader would want to start at the beginning of the story, would they? Nah, no reason to make that available. It's unbelievable. Listen. Marvel. You know I'm available, right? Whoever is in charge over there is dropping the ball, BIG TIME.

At any rate, if you see this lying around your LCS, buy as many as they have and dump as soon as possible. Eventually somebody will figure this out and go back to press with it. But for now, take your $60+ profit and smile.



Essential X-Men Vol 1
OK, this gets a little confusing, but it sort of makes sense. "Essential Unanny X-Men" encompasses the original adventures, and "Essential X-Men" begins with the classic reboot at Giant Size X-Men # 1, that introduced the new team including Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Storm, and Colossus.

So Essential X-Men Vol 1 reprints Giant Size # 1 plus issues 94-119. Again, why would there be any demand for the first issues of the new team? I don't know how Marvel let this go out of print. But they did.

The result is that this is now a $50+ book on Amazon, and again possibly available at your LCS for $18. And that's an easy buy.

Other Essential to keep an eye on: Tomb of Dracula Vol 1, and Howard the Duck Vol 1. These are going for more than cover price right now, but haven't blown up to the point where you can really turn a profit. It's coming, though.

So have it, Insomniacs! Call it an early christmas present that you can use to earn money for more christmas presents!

- Ryan

Christmas Sucks: Part 3

All right, let's continue to NOT enjoy Christmas together, shall we? Misery loves company, and we love the all of you!

Christmas usually falls during the winter, and that means cold and snow. At least it does here in the The City That God Forgot. Cold isn't all bad, I guess. Cold means erect nipples, and at my age... I'm pleased when anything stands at attention.

But nobody has ever properly explained to me the appeal of goddamn snow. I receive no pleasure from glistening flakes falling from the sky. I call snow by it's more proper name: "Death to Traffic."

Having slippery substances underneath your wheels grinds things down enough. The morons who all make more money than I do supply the rest of the delay. Here's an idea - if there's snow and ice on the road, I don't know....slow down a little. Maybe...leave a little space between yourself and the next vehicle. This pretty complex stuff.

And God forbid the inevitable accidents occur. Then you get the slowholios, who gear it down to three miles an hour for a glimpse at a mangled corpse. Listen. I got places to be, you degenerates. If you want to see the human body defaced in the most vomitous way possible, there are Japanese horror films available, people. That's why God gave us Takashi Miike.

There is a solution to the Christmas blues, though. Prizes from Chronic Insomnia! Right now we have two incredibly easy contests running.

Contest # 1: Send Ryan awesome pictures of Kate Beckinsale

That's right! You spend half your day sending mindless nonsense to your friends already, this one pays you back! Whoever sends me the best picture of Kate Beckinsale by midnight on December 31 gets a copy of Thor # 1 signed by superstar artist Olivier Coipel!



Where do you send your entry? Why, to "thechroniccrew@gmail.com", of course. And no, I'm not kidding. This book was signed by Coipel, authenticated by Dynamic Forces, and limited to only 250 copies. Very cool.

If you want the inside track on winning this book, I have one word for you: magenta. hair. Use your photoshop skills, padawan. If you build it, the Coipel book will come.

Contest # 2: Send Chronic Insomnia the scientific name for the gynecology duck bill device!

Could I google this in about 7 seconds? Of course I could. But I'd rather have somebody else do it. Whoever sends the correct name for the duck bill that goes where Ryan cannot to "thechroniccrew@gmail.com" first wins a signed copy Models, Inc # 1



OK, this one isn't signed by superstar artist Olivier Coipel. It's going to be signed by superstar jackass Ryan Lee. But hey, if the show gets picked up by NBC this year, that could be worth more than the first appearance of Gambit or something. It could happen.

Remember to send a mailing address with your entries!

- Ryan

Christmas Sucks: Part 2

Despite all hopes to the contrary, the forecast for this holiday season is still partly asinine with a chance of SUCK. Listen....people are lining up to watch Twilight movies, OK? The world is not in a good place right now.

Here's a little tip, folks. Vampires do NOT sparkle. Kay? Not any vampires you want to hang around with. Vampires should be covered in the ichor of their prey and they don't need to see a therapist about it, either.

So until Robert Pattinson and the rest of his bedazzled little vaginapires dissapear into some richly deserved obscurity, here's something to put a smile on your face - Deadpool!

If you listen to the show at all, you know that Quincy and I adore Deadpool, or at least the Danny Way ongoing. Issue # 18 just came out on Wednesday and closed out the four part "Want You to Want Me" arc.

So how was it? Off the rails, as per usual! Wade's attempts to be accepted into the X-Fold continue to go horribly wrong. Smartass assassins are not particularly good for public relations, and the X-Men are fed up.

This latest installment features a battle between Deadpool and Colossus that is one for the ages! Of course Wade can't really do much to Osmium plating, but he can certainly put Rasputin back on his wheels with some well placed blood vomiting:

This is why Chronic fans should definitely dig this book!

<-------------- You may recall that we discussed Deadpool in depth during Chronic Insomnia episode # 108 when the arc first kicked off. I went over the character as a model of the "picaresque" anti-hero, who never learns his lesson in order that his audience might. So I didn't put much stock in this "kinder, fuzzier" Wade who wants to belong and re-connect with his humanity. Oh, somewhere in there...he really does. But you'll never see it in this book, or Deadpool loses his edge. Sorry, Wade, but a well-adjusted Deadpool is a soon-to-be-cancelled Deadpool. I knew that Danny Way was aware of this as well, and mentioned that the title of the arc held a clue about Wade's true intentions with new interest in joining the X-Crew. "Want You to Want Me" is an oldie but a goodie by a little band called Cheap Trick:

Not that you'd need to be a genius to figure this out, but I predicted that Wade's need to connect would be revealed as a "cheap trick" at the end of the story.

And voila! While everyone else is busy trying to figure out how to remove Deadpool's head from his body in rage, Wolverine figures out that this has all been a ruse from the beginning designed to resuscitate the public image of the X-Men:

Some might wonder at the end if 'Pool's motivations make sense. He wasn't paid for this. And if his desire to be accepted is all bullshit, why go through all this chaotic rigamarole? The answer is simple, to my mind. A) Wade loves chaotic rigamarole B) This wasn't about money, but he definitely got paid. He just wanted to hear Cyclops admit that he's "got moves."

And if that sounds cheap to you, hey....he tried to warn you!

- Ryan

Christmas Sucks: Part 1

Christmas sucks gigantic iguana balls, it just does. You know it. I know it.

It's that time of year when the most popular individual sport is suicide, you leverage yourself into a financial grave throwing presents on your credit cards at 27% interest, and you can't enter a goddamn retail establishment without some bell ringing jackhole from the Salvation Army making you feel like the world's biggest asshole.

But Chronic Insomnia is hear to make it all a little bit more passable, with the kind of piss and vinegar you've come to expect. So buckle up, and here we go!

Hey - Time magazine just released it's Top 10 comics from the last decade, and it looks a little something like this:

1. The Ultimates
2. 100 Bullets
3. Planetary
4. All Star Superman
5. The Walking Dead
6. The Authority
7. Mouseguard
8. Blankets
9. Invincible
10. Y The Last Man

Rich Johnston pretty much tore this list a new arse on Bleeding Cool, whining about how there wasn't enough "diversity" represented, which is a more elite way of saying it didn't feature enough bullshit that sold 300 copies to friends of the author. The kind of boring ass material featuring stick figure art that everybody wants to pretend to like in order to appear cultured. I'll take a pass, thanks.

Listen. I won't suggest that nothing good could grow in a small indy press. Anything is possible. I should probably test drive something like Ware's "Acme Novelty Library" so that I could properly undress it as pretentious tripe from an informed position.

But really, I don't have a problem with Time sticking with mainly mainstream items. I just think they got a few of them wrong. Here's my Top 10 of the "oughts":

Planetary Probably the most important book of the decade from probably the most important creator of the decade. This is Warren Ellis completely unbridled, his wildest ideas distilled inside of Cassaday's unparalleled pencils. There was nothing like this before, and I suspect we'll see nothing like it in the future.

Y the Last Man This was difficult to keep from the # 1 slot. A timeless and incredible hook. Each issue brought humor, humanity, philosophy, and a unique look at gender relations that never preached or condescended. It's hard to imagine handing this book to somebody who couldn't enjoy it on some level. Near perfect.

Authority If you read current superhero books, what your reading is directly and irrevocably influenced by what Warren Ellis laid down here. It's all been said before, but it remains the truth. Bigger than life cinematic storytelling came out of this Pandora's Box.

Astonishing X-Men Before anyone loses their mind thinking "God, why don't you suck off Warren Ellis a little more!" This is on here strictly for the Joss Whedon run. Whedon had a crucial impact on both television and comic books for the decade, and no "best of" list can justifiably omit his work, if you want my opinion. Morrison re-invented Marvel's flagship, turned it into something unrecognizable. Whedon reminded us about everything we used to love about the X-Men, and then turned the volume up to 11. Genius.

Daredevil Could be the most consistently brilliant book on the list. I mean seriously - You go from Bendis to Brubaker to Diggle? The other books on this list were dominant for pieces of the decade - Daredevil was a must read for the entire period. Simply amazing.

Walking Dead Much like Whedon, no top list of this decade can go without something Kirkman, and the obvious choice is Walking Dead. Raw, brutal, and about the only thing to survive the zombie craze that it inspired, mostly because it was always the best. Kirkman kept readers on their toes with a "nobody's safe" policy, and was without question the strongest independent seller of the decade, building a trade paperback empire. Think about this - while every other book in the comics publishing industry suffers from attrition, Walking Dead gains readers without benefit of "events" or "creator shakeups". It deserves recognition for that alone

New X-Men Morrison and Quitely blew the dust off of this dinosaur, ripped the guts out, blew it up completely, then rebuilt it interesting. What a concept! The ideas are completely out of control, the costumes went bye-bye, and when you go back and read it now, it's hard to believe Marvel actually allowed Morrison to do this to such a staple. Just count your lucky stars that they did, because it's absolutely wonderful.

Secret Six Many will call this a reach, but I just couldn't leave this off - it's too beautiful. This might be the best superhero comic I've ever read, and of course it features no heroes at all. The characterization is rich, the dialogue is extraordinary, the plot is always a heart punch, and you can always expect the unexpected. This would deserve to be on the list if it was pencilled poorly, but Nicola Scott is a rare gem on top of it. This should be the best selling book on the stands, frankly.

Spider-Man This one may have ranked higher if the JMS run had ended differently, but "One More Day" did unfortunately stain it. The good news is that Brand New Day works. However much we might despise how it got there, the current stories put Peter in a fresh spot that usually entertains. Much like Daredevil, it's hard to find a spot during the decade when this title wasn't excellent.

Fables Impossible to do one of these and ignore Vertigo. Sandman owned the 90s, and Bill Willingham stepped up to the plate and took over deftly. I'll still put Gaiman ahead of him, but this series has picked up the torch and ran with it admirably.

These are really tough to do, of course. I left off 100 Bullets, Ennis' Punisher run, Johns' Green Lantern run, and that just seems crazy. Lists are nonsense, but they're fun.

So tell me, dear Insomniacs - what else did I miss?

- Ryan

Remember, Remember, the 5th of November...

"Remember, Remember, the 5th of November, the gunpowder treason and plot
I know of no reason the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot...."

Yes, folks we should jolly well remember Guy Fawkes and the gunpowder treason! I think Quincy is about ready to send a little gunpowder treason toward podbean.com because of all the technical trouble we've been having with the site!!!

Now is good time to dust off your V for Vendetta DVD....or better yet, read the bloody book!

As per usual, the book is a superior vehicle for telling the story. It's certainly more in depth psychologically with the characters, and avoids the farcical Hollywood romance that the Wachowski Bros. stuffed into the story for no apparent reason.

Did anybody REALLY think that jamming an ill-fitting love story inside an examination of violence and anarchy is going to bring in the Sex & The City crowd? Leave that crap on the cutting room floor, folks. V was just fine the way it was, thank you very much.

Having said that, I thought the film represented the spirit of the original text in a satisfying way. Sure, it traded in the cold war themes of the 80s for some good old fashioned post-911 paranoia, but to me, that was a laudable update. Although I would have been fine with a more literal translation of the text as well, because the cold war is near to my heart as well. I'm an old man, and that's fine.

The point is...it's the 5th of November. Get a little "V" into your life, shake things up, let the bastards know you're still alive, for crying out loud! (for the record, I'm advocating righteous indignation and mischief, not actual violence, which is a tool for the desperate and unclever for the most part. We are clever people!)

- Ryan

Olivia Munn Classic Bit

Here at Chronic Insomnia, we both love Olivia Munn. She's a really cool chick with great legs. She's also extremely funny. If any of you have seen the movie "Juno", then this clip will make you laugh. Otherwise it's still pretty funny.



Michael

Crossed # 7 Holy Shit it's intense!

Holy crap is this series depressing, gross and engaging all at the same time. If you haven't heard of this comic book, well you're missing out. The print run on this book is very tiny, so it's not like there's likely to be a huge stack at your LCS. But let me tell you, Garth Ennis hasn't slowed down in his shocking ways as he's gotten older, it seems like he's only ramped it up a few notches.

The story behind crossed is pretty simple. The world has spun into a nightmare, with insane, psychopathic zombies running around killing, raping and eating the "normal" humans. If this sounds like a bad world to live in, well you're right, these people are being torn apart mentally and physically as they try to survive this apocalypse. Stan, who is the narrator of the comic book is telling the story of his band of survivors as they travel across the country running from a group of crossed individuals. He is accompanied by his crush, Cindy, who is the pseudo leader of the group. She has taken it upon herself to keep the group safe, since she is traveling with her young son, Patrick. It's not expressed how old his is, but he looks to be about 9 or so.

I am not going to go into too many spoilers, but these people go through some serious levels of hell in this comic book series. It's not for the faint of heart and I wouldn't suggest this to anyone who doesn't like harsh language. Some of the things written and shown in this book, cause my stomach to turn a little and my mind to need cleaning. If any of you know me, this is not an easy feat, but it manages none the less. I read this book and feel like a shower afterwards. Does this automatically make it a great comic book, just because I feel like vomiting after reading it? Well that's part of it, but I also love how much we start to care for these people after a while. I will agree on one thing, it needs to come out more often, so my compassion for these people, can keep some momentum, but once this reaches TPB format, I would say RUN out and get it. It's fucking scary and gross in all the good ways.

Garth Ennis is a great storyteller and Jacen Burrows artwork is graphic enough to pull the whole thing together. If you like a good zombie type story, then this is your baby. It's not going to win any awards, but it's definitely going to stretch the boundaries of what is acceptable in mainstream comic books. Avatar isn't mainstream, but Garth Ennis is. Read this book and get on the crazy train with the rest of us. It's a great ride.

Michael

Zero Killer #4 Was It Worth The Wait?

To say that it's been a while since this comic came out last would be and understatement. I have been waiting for this book for over a year. I finally got it this last week and I wanted to find out if it was worth the wait.

For those of you who don't know anything about this book, and I don't blame you since it's been on hiatus for the past year or so, here is all you need to know.

It's been 34 years since a nuclear war destroyed the world. Zero lives in New York as a "Trash Man", hunting down renegade gang members and just trying to survive the rival gangs living throughout the cities skyscrapers. Zero also dreams of building a boat and escaping the underwater city to the mythical land of Africa, which rumors say has been spared from the nuclear fires.

In this fourth installment, Zero is hired to find a briefcase which was lost in New York (remind you of the "Escape from New York" premise, yeah me too), so Zero takes the job and has to sneak into a rival gangs skyscraper and steal this briefcase. What's in the briefcase you might ask, well read the damn book and find out. I am not going to spoil everything for everyone. Bottom line is that, even after over a year, I jumped right back into this book and was sucked in like a magnet.

It's not the greatest story every told, it's not going to win any awards, but it's a fun book with some delightfully gory segments and interesting ideas. The artwork is grainy and monotone and to me symbolizes the radiation and fallout left after a nuclear storm. I think the book looks great. The writing is decent and the idea, if not fresh, is at least somewhat fresh for the comic book market. Over all I enjoyed this book. Was it worth the wait, well probably not, but I'm glad it's back.

Artwork 4.5
Story 3

It's a decent book, good luck finding the back issues on this bitch though. The print run is smaller than my high school newspaper was. But if you can find it, and find it cheap, give it try, or just wait until the trade comes out and gobble it up then.

Michael

Blair Butler: Covergirl!

Here's the most compelling reason I've seen to dump $3.99 on a comic yet. And I don't always get along with that Didio cat. He gets the nod here for having the good sense to put the industry's # 1 Smartest, Slightly Saucy, Sexiest ambassador on a cover.

Really makes me want to spend the extra four trillion dollars a month for that expanded cable package so that I can watch G4 again. I surely do miss Blair Butler...

- Ryan

Chronic Review: Frankenstein's Womb

Frankenstein's Womb
Avatar - $6.99 SRP
Script: Warren Ellis
Pencils/Inks: Marek Oleksicki



Warren Ellis is a wonderful contradiction. Inside of that crotchety, irascible, chain smoking, whisky & Red Bull pounding, blustering facade is a very wide-eyed child deeply in love with all of the planet's inexplicable mysteries.

I remember visiting the Earle Brown elementary school library as a first grader and stumbling upon my first dinosaur book. What a revelation! All of the monsters I held at bay in my imagination with a night light at bedtime used to walk the planet!

I'm a rational and deeply skeptical person at heart, but the records don't lie - a LOT of ridiculously strange shit has happened on this planet, and it continues to happen all the time.

Sometimes it rains frogs. Sometimes a guy will fall out of an airplane without a chute and walk away with a slightly fractured shin. Sometimes aliens will shoot down a meteor for us so that it just hits the Tunguska area of the Soviet Union, instead of wiping out most of civilization.

This is the unifying thread that runs through most of Warren Ellis' bibliography, most keenly realized in Planetary. If you look carefully, past the curse words and the perverse pleasure he takes in the darkest corners of the human heart, there is an awe-filled tiny boy pointing out his newly discovered improbable truth. Ellis never let go of that spark I felt when I cracked my first dinosaur book. He's dedicated his life to that spark, which I find sort of charming.

When Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein, Europe was caught in the grips of what meteorologists now call the "little ice age". 1816 was called "The Year Without a Summer", mostly because it was bloody goddamned cold out all the time. It snowed throughout much of that summer, and that's just plain...weird. Quintessential Ellis material.

Since volleyball, swimming, and tanning were out of the question, Mary Wollestonecraft Godwin, (later to become Mary Shelley) Percy Shelley, Clair Claremont, and George Gordon Byron decided to stay indoors by the fire and compete to see who could write the best story. That was the origin of Frankenstein, and that's verified fact.

There are legends, though, that Mary Wollestonecraft Godwin visited Castle Frankenstein on a trip through Germany to Switzerland a few months prior. This is more difficult to corroborate. In 1816, Mary Godwin did not have a Twitter account to leave a footprint of the trip.

But some say that she did enter that castle alone, and Frankenstein's Womb is the story of what happened when she did.



Ellis makes the case through Frankenstein's monster that Mary Shelley's book gave birth to the modern age. I think that might be overstating the case, but it certainly had a profound impact on horror. For the first time we saw a monster created not through godly intervention or supernatural curses, or any other forces beyond human ken. This all too human. Frankenstein's monster was born from human reason gone wild. Science, manipulated electricity, and human hubris created the beast.

You can certainly see the impact that it made on Marvel Comics. Spider-Man? Irradiated spider in a lab. Hulk? Gamma bomb. Daredevil? Chemical spill. X-Men? They got done in because of all the background radiation floating about from the atomic age. We've been telling this story for a long time, and it all began with Mary Shelley.



The story itself is interesting enough, with the monster walking Mary through her future. This is not a mindless brute, either. The monster in this fable is true to the source, intelligent, and actually as interested in Mary's personal affairs as her social contribution. And I suppose that makes sense. She is his mother.

Marek Oleksicki's pencils are GORGEOUS. The book is in black and white, but I don't think it suffers for it. Olesicki is adept at capturing emotion in faces, and the pencils are very detailed. It reminded me a bit of Berni Wrightson, and I don't think I could give a higher complement than that.

And of course the carriage conversations are ripe with Warren's infamously fantastic dialogue. It's very difficult to make a phrase like "arse" sound clever. Warren has a gift for things like that.



I enjoyed Frankenstein's Womb, and if you like Warren Ellis, you'll like this. Unless you're in it for the gratuitous violence. Nary a punch is thrown in this one. It's a classic "what if" of the weird, equal parts horror and hope. The monster shows Mary a patient being revived with machinery and credits her with it.

And that's how Warren works - equal parts jaded bastard and wide-eyed child.

- Ryan

Behind the Scenes at Chronic Insomnia

In the last two months Ryan and I have celebrated our 2 year anniversary and our 100th episode. If you missed that show, Ryan was ten beers and two white russians intoxicated right as we started the show. It was NOT a surprise when Ryan began to vomit right on the air. I think I should explain a little how the show is created every week. Here is a behind the scenes look at how Chronic Insomnia is brought to you each week.

First thing we do during the week between shows is share information and or ideas for comedy bits. After working through them over email, we bring them to the show on Monday nights. Very rarely do Ryan and I see each other outside of the show. Ryan works a lot and when and if we see each other outside of the show, it's for roleplaying.

Then Monday night rolls around. Ryan usually gets here about 9pm and we go downstairs and setup for the night. As we do that we discuss things about the show and figure out what we want to do for the night. Honestly most of the stuff we do on the show is riffed right there during the actual recording of the show. Ryan or I might bring an outline or an idea for something, but it gets tweaked and or modified as we record it. On some occasions Ryan will bring something completely written. Then we follow the script to the letter. None of the "show" is scripted, only the bits and comedy segments are ever scripted and a lot of those are riffed on the spot.

Ryan is a very talented writer and comes in with stuff that is fully realized and ready to go. In the two years of the show, I have only come in with like three bits actually written out, and most of them needed A LOT of tweaking as we recorded them. That explains why Ryan has the Masters Degree in Creative Writing huh?

Anyways after the first 30 minutes of bullshitting around we get to recording. This is where we work on any bits or segments we want to pre-record for the show that night. It might be a song that Ryan sings, a bit he has written for the show, like the Blackest Night thing from last week. This is where we record those segments. These usually take between 1-2 hours to record. The Blackest Night thing took about an hour or a little less. We could record them quicker, but both of us are perfectionists and it takes a while to get it to what we call "perfect".

At around 11pm or midnight we start the show. At this point all of our prep is done and we power through the main segments of the show. It takes about an hour and a half to record 60 minutes of show. We do ALL of the normal bits in the show LIVE. Nothing is rewound and redone unless there is a technical issue. This is what we would sound like totally live if we streamed the show. I don't censor us at all. The only thing that happens is I will go back and clean things up, like add effects in the background and or make something louder or quieter. This can take about 30 minutes. Then we are done. It's about 2am and we are both spent. We chat for 15 minutes about what we thought of the show and Ryan stumbles out to his car to drive home and I sit down and convert the show to MP3 and upload it to Podbean.com. The show is usually up by around 3am, but sometimes I am just too tired to upload until the next morning. The show is ALWAYS up before noon on Tuesday.

There you have it. A total rundown of how we create Chronic Insomnia each week. If you have any questions on the technology we use, just give us an email at thechroniccrew@gmail.com and I will try and answer any questions you have. I pride myself in our show sounding as good or better as any podcast out there. Thank you very much.

Michael

KY? Cuz I GOTTA!

So I went to a finer store near me to pick up a vial of KY Intense so I could experimentally slather some on the Manatee junk. Wha...you thought I was joking? (See opening monologue for episode # 100 to catch up)

Unfortunately, when I got there, I couldn't help but notice that the KY Intense comes in units the size of a Chapstick and costs $23.99!!!!

Holy Chockatollees. That had better be some good shit. That shit had better make her cum so hard her grandparents feel it. I believe that plutonium is cheaper by the ounce.

So I didn't get it. Look, I'm a scientist and a trailblazer, but I didn't think I'd have to take out a second mortgage for the stuff...

Directions we found that were pretty funny.

- Ryan

Topless Robot Transformers 2 Review!

Alison Haislip pointed out the funniest review of a film I have ever read, courtesy of Toplessrobot.com.

If you haven't seen it yet and are wondering if Transformers 2 sucks...now you know.

If you have seen it and couldn't quite put into words how and why it sucked...they did it for you.

- Ryan

Longbox Is Coming to Change Your World Forever!

After three years of development and negotiations, Rantz Hoseley made his first official announcements about "Longbox" at HeroesCon. Longbox purports to be an Itunes-style platform where comic book fans can download titles for a nominal fee.

This is very sneaky-important news, because Hoseley is a hair's breadth from changing the way comic books are produced and enjoyed forever. Let's do a little Longbox Q&A, shall we?

What the heck IS Longbox?
Think ITunes for comic books. You go to the Longbox website, and waiting for you is basically an online rack of new comics from a host of companies in a virtual comic shop. You choose which titles and which issues you'd like to try, pay a small fee, and bang - you've got your digital comic book to do with as you choose.

Just how small is that fee, exactly?
Longbox is recommending that publisher's charge 99 cents per issue. But it's a recommendation, not law. Publishers are free to charge what they like for their comics.

There are plans for block and subscription pricing, but no terms or prices have been announced.

So I can download my new books on Wednesday when the floppies come out?
Again, this is completely up to the publishers. It's possible the digital comics will be released simultaneously or even before the print books hit shelves. It's probably more likely that companies will delay their digital distribution in a vain attempt to save the monthly pamphlet.

Which Comic Publishers have signed on with Longbox?
At this point, the only confirmed publishers are BOOM! and Top Cow.

WHAT??? No Marvel? No D.C.?
At the moment, no. The thing to keep in mind, however, is that Hoseley has been developing this project for three years, and has wisely kept very quiet about it until it was ready to materialize. He's strongly hinted that Marvel is basically on board.

When the idea of Longbox was spawned three years ago, none of the publishers would even speak with Hoseley. Now the worm has turned and everyone is in negotiations, trying to determine if Hoseley has an app that will work to bridge comics fully into the 21st Century.

So is Longbox that killer app?
Well, we really only have Hoseley's say in the matter, but the evidence looks good. What he's done is partner with Quicksilver and created a way to convert what publisher's already use in their current printing process (Adobe InDesign and Quark)into Longbox files.

Basically, that means two very important things. 1)Longbox isn't asking anybody to sink extra costs into developing software to integrate. Longbox integrated into them. 2) There's no proprietary software favoring one publisher over another. They can absorb comics equally easily from anybody.

So how do the comics actually look and read with Longbox? Again, we have only Hoseley to vouch for that. But he's a legitimate comic book fan (editor on Tori Amos's "Comic Book Tattoo") and a software designer. He thinks they work pretty darned well, and apparently so do Mark Waid and Mark Silvestri, or they wouldn't have signed on.

Can I download comics to my IPhone?
Not yet you can't. As of this moment, Longbox is compatible with your Mac, PC, or Linux. But there are plans right now to expand Longbox into the Kindle, IPhone, WiiWare, and X-Box Live.

Hoseley has read comics on his big screen TV with his X-Box, and says it's pretty damned awesome. The tech is easy - the tough part is getting them to use Longbox without making users pay extra for the privilege. Hoseley is committed to everybody paying the same price.

Anything Longbox comics can do that floppies can't?
Damn Skippy. Digital comics open up a host of creative possibilities. Early ideas are "behind the scenes" info and commentary from creators, a la extras on your DVDs.

Being that comics creators are some of the most interactive artists on the planet, I think you can count on someday reading an issue of Anna Mercury while listening to a less than sober Warren Ellis explaining why he hates you so much. Let's see your pamphlet do that!

Don't look for motion, comics, though. Hoseley....is not a fan of the motion comics.

Sounds good, but when can I start downloading these comics?
There is no solid launch date yet, but all signs point to Longbox going live some time in 2009. To keep up to date, check out Comic Book Resources. They've decided to partner with CBR to act as a kind of official mouthpiece.

How will this affect the comic book industry?
Of course that depends. If Marvel and DC don't sign on, probably not much at all. If Marvel and DC do partner with Longbox, you can tell the fat lady to pick up the pace singing about the end of the monthly pamphlet.

There is something satisfying about holding a comic in your hands, it's true. But nobody really wants to store the damn things, and nobody is really interested in the speculator market, which is the other main reason to want a physical artifact.

I think that many people will still continue to enjoy comics in book form. And they will use Longbox to make decisions about which stories are special enough to deserve that. In fact, I think it's very likely that Longbox would increase book sales.

Think about it- how many trades would you get sucked into if you could test drive more books? At a dollar per issue or with a subscription, even a limited budget could sample far more comics and develop an informed taste about them.

Your average local comic shop tends not to order much past the Big Two. Longbox will almost certainly offer a more extensive catalog than most shops currently do. And it's all a click away. That means more people seeing more comics, and that really ought to mean more profit for the publishers.

This will also punish a lot of comic book shops. They will be forced to become a hub for buying trades or find some way other than floppies to earn their living. Because that dinosaur is about to breathe its last.

- Ryan

Why We Rule

So I was perusing the June Previews. And I saw this page of featured items in the Collectibles & Novelties and was struck with an epiphany about how bizarre and awesome are the Legion of Nerds.

On the left hand side of the page: Unbridled Sex. Ah, yes. The ol' Secret Wishes Slave Leia costume. The only problem with that - what's the goddamn secret? Every card carrying nerd (or at least the ones with penises) who ever saw Return of the Jedi will tell you loudly and openly about this fetish.

This is sophisticated nerdism. Hot, wicked, heterosexual, social nerdism. Yes, we are capable of such feats.

On the right hand side: The Antidote to Sex. Tiny PVC representations of magical blue creatures roughly three apples in height. If you own any of these and display them in an open area where another human might see them, you are guaranteed to have no sex whatsoever for the duration of said display.

It does not get much more gay than Smurfs. Remember that in the beginning, there were no females. Gargamel constructed Smurfette as an evil confederate sent to infiltrate and destroy Smurf village.

Before that? And endless sea of blue dick. Everywhere you look, beneath every skin tight white pantaloon, a blueberry cock. Inside the show, the Smurfs were not terribly sexual. Inside of Peyo, their creator, beat the heart of an Epic Queer.

This is childish nerdism. Silly, closetly homosexual, asocial nerdism.

And it's all sitting there on the same page, and you know what? It makes perfect sense to me. It's just crap we watched and enjoyed between 1981-1983. We integrated both with no difficulty.

You want to save the world? You want to build some goddamn bridges? Learn from the nerds. We know about unconditional, open love.

We love ridiculous synthetic blue gayboys. And we will grab a tube of AstroGlide and love the ever lovin' shit out of a woman wearing that Secret Wishes Slave outfit.

We are nerds. And we rule.

- Ryan

Yeah this looks cool!

Tips For Hitting San Diego CCI This Year!

Thinking about hitting San Diego this year for Nerd Prom? You should be. Walter Spurgeon lists 100 things you absolutely need to know to squeeze maximum enjoyment from your trip.

Hit this link and check out the entry for May 25 for full details!

Issue # 95 "Are You There God? It's Me Manatee"

This week on Chronic Insomnia we have the visitor of visitors stop by and give us an explanation as to what he's been doing these past eons. Near the end of the interview we win him over with our charm and sophistication and he adds us to his Facebook page. He's a rather popular person.

Ryan gets the gauntlet thrown down to him by Remy from "Where Monsters Dwell" and he accepts the challenge. We offer up a huge prize if Remy ends up beating him by Labor Day. Or Labour Day for those of you in Canada.

Mike has troubles with his bowels AGAIN, isn't this getting old? Well it would get old to normal people, but since we are 12 years old mentally, it's still pretty damn disgusting and funny. We can't help our vulgarity on this weeks show. Check out the end of the show this week for a top secret REDUX of our semi-famous Star Wars bit.

We Love The All Of You.

Michael

Brown Eye for the Comic Guy!

I missed last month but there is a lot coming down the pipe. Here's what you can order in the upcoming Previews and your local LCS:

1. Agents of Atlas Prem HC, W: Jeff Parker A: Various. I read the Limited Series and was very entertained. It dealt with super heroes but really didn't feel like a hero comic. This is the first arc of the on-going and from everyone I've talked to...It's Awesome! If nothing else it should be a smaller print run and may be worth something down the road.

2. Amazing Spider-man #600, W: Dan Slott A: John Romita, Jr. Spider-man, Daredevil and the return of Doc Oc! 104 pgs of goodness and a special story from Stan Lee himself. I'll bite!

3. Authority: Worlds End TP1, W: DnA(Abnett and Lanning) A: Simon Coleby. I can't help but splurge on this title. Back in the day the Authority used to be prettty damn good. Then nobody cared. With what DnA has done on other titles like Nova, Annihilation, Guardians...I'll give em a shot and see if they can bring this title back.

4. Blackest Night #1, W: Geoff Johns A: Ivan Reis and Oclair Albert. I told myself I wasn't going to buy this series until the trades came out. Unfortunately I got #0 on FCBD and started picking up the preludes. I'm pretty hooked and love what Johns is doing. I'll be ordering this and will probably get the HC too.

5. Bomb Queen Omnibust Vol.1, W: Jimmie Robinson A: Jimmie Robinson. This title always intrigued me at the shop. Hot anti-heroin who has next to nothing on and terrorizes the town. Like Erin Esurance gone bad! Gimme some!!

6. Fables: Delluxe Edition HC, W: Bill Willingham A: Lan Medina et al. Fables is one of those recent classics right up there with Ex Machina and Y the Last Man. This is the best way to try it out. If I don't like it you know there is enough of a following that you can always sell it later.

7. Fallen Angel Reborn #1, W: Peter David A: J.K. Woodward. One of the series I've read for a while, David finished his last tale a few months ago. This is the next leg of the story of the Fallen Angel and the city of Bette Noir. It should start out with a bang as Joss Whedon has given David the go ahead to use one of his characters from Angel, Illyria. It's supposed to cross-over at the same time as season 5 of Angel.

8. Noir TPB, W: Azzerello, Brubaker, plus A: Various. If you like crime comics like 100 Bullets, Criminal and Sleeper this should be a sample in paradise. Azz-man and Brubaker alone make this a must buy in my book!

9. Surrogates Special HC Edition, W: Robert Venditti A: Brett Weldele. I, unlike our special hosts, did read the originals. i have all the floppies(aren't I special.) But this reprints those in HC format with the new prequel. Just in time for the movie and fit to sell.

10. TMNT Collected Book Vol. 1, W/A: Eastman and Laird. The movies sucked! The cartoon sucked! The video games...SUUUCCCKKKKED! But the original series was life changing for me at that time of collecting comics. This brings back the first 11 issues in a collected format. Yes, I did have the glow-in-the-dark T-shirt of Michaelangelo! I was so cool!!

11. Unknown Soldier TPB Vol. 1, W: Joshua Dysart A: Alberto Ponticelli. I have to buy this. Ryan says so! And what Ryan says goes...just ask Dave's aching ass!

Old Man Logan # 72

SPOILER ALERT!

I just read the long awaited Wolverine # 72 and I think this is the best books out there right now hands down. It's a hell of a lot of fun and it doesn't apologize for it's lack of sophistication with complex dialog and cliche action scenes. This book is gory, gritty and downright upsetting at times and that is what makes it so excellent.

The story is pretty simple, aren't most good stories simple?, Logan is trying to get back to his family with a suitcase full of money. Hawkeye is dead and Logan is going to finish the job on his own. It's pretty simple, but the Red Skull has other plans for Logan. After the fall of Super Heroes, Red Skull decided to take over Babylon, which is Washington D.C. He's a crazy fucker so he's takin' it upon himself to collect the outfits and gear of the fallen supers from the past.

Logan is captured by his goons and brought before the Skull. He is dressed in Captain America's costume as Logan awakes from his regenerative sleep. Wolverine wakes up on the wrong side of the body bag he's been brought in and he starts a fight with the Red Skull. As we all know Logan won't use his claws anymore because of what happened back at X-Men HQ when the fall happened, so he fights the Red Skull sans his adamantium razor blades. The fight starts out bad for Wolverine but as he's fighting he notices Captain America's unbreakable shield on the wall. He grabs this and chops Red Skulls head off with it. Thus endeth the reign of the period soaked skull head dude. (I think that's his lesser known latin name).

Logan is now alone with a suitcase full of cash he can bring back to his family in California. The Banners want their money and Logan now has it. The Red Skulls collection turns out to have another surprise, Iron Man's armor. Logan suits up and begins to fly back across the country dressed as the dapper Tony Stark. The suits low on fuel and Logan, being the intelligent guy he is, runs the fucker beyond E and crash lands short of his home in California.

He walks for 36 straight hours and finally reaches his home to find the Banners have killed his family. Apparently those inbred assholes got bored and killed his wife and kids. Logan is noticeably upset and he decides it's time to drop the Logan bit and retake the badass name of Wolverine. It's time to trim some fat off those inbred sons a bitches and he's just the man to do it.

I can't wait for the Wolverine - Old Man Logan Giant Sized issue. However knowing McNiven we're going to be waiting for eight months to see this issue, but I know it's going to be worth it. Stay tuned for the best book of 2009.

Michael