Gail Simone Is Writing The Best Book In Comics...And You're Missing It

Secret Six is the best comic book currently being published. By anybody. I make no apologies for that statement, and I put no qualifiers on it. I understand that quality is subjective, and that the criterion for what is "best" is well....slippery at best.

I don't care. And I don't want to hear any nonsense about Chris Ware or Joe Sacco or Peter Bagge, either. Yes, I've sampled all of them. I'm not some rube with a three title pull list. Gail Simone's Secret Six is the best comic currently being published. Deal with it.

You'd never know it to look at the sales charts or listen to the pundits, mind you. The Six didn't crack CBRs "Top 100" for 2009, which only means that everyone associated with it should be fired and banned from making such lists in the future. And the latest results from Diamond show Secret Six checking in at # 94 for the month at an estimated 22, 638 copies. Gotham City Sirens finished higher, and that book amounts to a pale imitation of Simone's Birds of Prey. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

I blame DC for not recognizing what a gem it has and failing to push the title, and I blame the readership as well, which means I blame myself. We don't talk enough about the work that Nicola Scott does on this book that is absolutely to die for. We don't rave about the fact that our book is better than yours, and oh, by the way, ours comes out on time as well.

We don't talk about how Secret Six defeats all expectations in the most delightful ways, page after page, issue after issue. Or at least, we didn't. I'm going to start.

And the best way to demonstrate is just to show you a tiny example. Here's a quick post-battle scene after new "recruit" Black Alice asks Bane if he's all right:



This is where tough guys are supposed to spout lines like "It'll take more than that put a dent in me, little lady." You won't get that from Gail Simone. And make no mistake, there are tough guy lines available,(usually from Deadshot) but you won't be expecting those, either. There is nothing cliched inside Secret Six.

It also bears mentioning that the panel above features something almost unheard of these days, called "developed characterization." Bane speaks in sparse sentences like that. Matter of fact, you can peel any line from the Six blind and I can tell you who spoke it, because they are all unique entities.

And this is how Bane operates now; as the absurd father figure of the group. Things are a bit strained between Bane and his previous "child" Scandal, and now he appears to have shuffled that need onto Black Alice. For those of you who know Bane only as the chemically enhanced baddie who broke The Bat - would you have guessed that he now plays daddy for a group of psychotics? Unexpected. Always, delightfully unexpected.

So that's that. I promised in Chronic Insomnia Episode # 124 that I would post something about the great Dave Sim Vs. Gail Simone battle that occurred during Sim's promotion of Glamourpuss # 1. So here it is. She wiped the floor with him, by the way. Go figure.

Here's a little snippet that I particularly enjoy:

"I'm not afraid nor overly concerned with Dave's views on my gender. They don't bear much resemblence to myself or the women of achievement that I know. Also having worked at a crisis center for many years, I've seen many a female void get the shit kicked out of her by a male light, so the "by sheer coincidence, the sub-group of humanity that I belong to is clearly the best" thinking falls a little flat for me.

However, I'm pretty close to a free speech absolutist. Dave's free to say whatever he wants and I defend that right even if I find some of it completely devoid of merit.

But extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof, and in my own reading of Dave's op pieces, I came up with many questions I haven't seen people asking directly. So I appreciate this opportunity, as brief as it might be for me on a day where I have deadlines."

Do yourself a favor and read the rest of that scrum, it's delicious. And if you're not already, start reading Secret Six already, would you???

- Ryan

Now batting for the White Sox: Dan Slott!

OK, so I finally figured out what Mike was getting at last night with the whole "Didn't Dan Slott used to play for the Chicago White Sox" bit on episode # 122. Inside of Quincy's addled brain was a vague recollection of journeyman catcher Don Slaught:

He was never a huge force in big league baseball, but surely he did better than bad ass comic book writer Dan Slott would:

Hey. Dan Slott can write the shit out of a She-Hulk comic, but on the baseball team...he's the equipment manager. And the guy you ask when you want to know where the Cold Stone Creamery is.

- Ryan

New Year, New Show - Now With Too Many Ostriches!

Hey.

This clip won't help make any sense out of the "Ostrich" rant in the middle of my "freecreditreport.com" rant.....but it will bring it in from outer space a bit.

Enjoy!

- Ryan

The Chronic Insomnia Christmas Special: Behind the Scenes!

We Just Finished the Christmas Special!

Today we finished recording what I believe is the most deliciously inappropriate Christmas special in the history of audio transmissions. This year's X-Mas extravaganza is a lot more fun than last year's edition, which was pretty good, but the only real holiday content was me taking a whack at a Leonard Cohen carol and another song about Christmas rape. Which was not that uplifting, really.

The new edition features a nog guzzling Santa Claus, a transvestite hooker, Grant Morrison, and Tiger Woods. Things go downhill pretty fast for Old St. Nick and it's up to us to save Christmas! And save Christmas we do, in the typical Chronic Insomnia style, which involves various bodily fluids and a good measure of blasphemy. You're welcome!




Quincy giving me the "donut" symbol in studio B. He's not asking for a breakfasty baked good. He wants something else entirely.



The Method Behind the Madness
Before there was a Chronic Insomnia, Mike & I used to do a lot of improv. We still do a fair amount of that. For a regular show, I generally show up with a half dozen pages of notes as a skeleton to keep me on track, but 85% of everything you listen to is unscripted, unrehearsed, and done in one take.

Skits are usually different, though. About 10% of the time, Quincy will produce something entirely on his own that I won't even know about until I get into Studio B and Mike will say "check this out" with a devilish grin on his face. That's how "Love Taco" got done.

Maybe 20% of the time, I will come up with something completely on my own with a full script, bring it to the show, and then beg Quincy to figure out how to produce everything I have written on my sheet. Usually when I go full script, very little gets changed and I take tighter control of the reigns, using Mike to take care of some voice work for flavor. Examples of bits like that: "Black Lantern", "The Growler", and the Didio/Lindelof interviews.



If you find my beard super sexy....it's OK. Roll with it. It just means that you're human.





Most of what you're hearing when you listen to a Chronic Insomnia sketch is a Mike Lamere springboard with a Ryan Lee script. Mike is the Mark Millar/Stan Lee of the group. He's a fountain of ideas. So Mike will come up with a concept, like.... "Hulk shows up on the Starship Enterprise and Sulu likes him, and then Hulk kills him engaging in hot gay sex."

And then Mike will look at me and say; "Does that sound like a good idea?" And then we'll laugh for about 10 minutes. And then I'll say; "I don't know if it works or not, you'll have to write it and then we'll see if it lands." And then Mike will give me that look that says "What the hell are you talking about? I just did write it."

And then I will generally sit down with a pen and paper after listening to Mike give me the major beats and pound out the actual dialogue. Mike almost always comes up with the skeleton, and I almost always put the meat and skin on it.




Mike at the helm of the controls in Studio B. This is where the real magic happens, folks!




And then we record it. And by we, I'm mean Mike. I couldn't record a show if you paid me $1,000. After two years of watching Quincy do what he does, I've picked up less than 3% of what it takes to be functional with the equipment. (insert joke here)

This year's Christmas special was sort of a return to our true improv past. Mike provided most of the springboards and beats, but there was never any script. It was Old School "ready, fire, aim" broadcasting. Mike would say something like "OK, Santa's going to wake up and get into his sleigh to deliver presents to Sly Stallone, or Harry Caray, or whatever." Then we turned the mics on, I'd take about 3 seconds to figure out something to say and -bang!- spit out whatever came to mind.

And that's how the story unfolded. 85% of what you're listening to was done in one take with no script....and it shows in parts. Every once in awhile the material I spat would be so choppy or wrong that we couldn't use it.

But it turned out shockingly cogent for total improv, and some of it crackles with the spontaneity. I'm particularly proud of the "wiping" bit in Santa's sleigh, which completely button-hooked Quincy and he rolled with it lightning quick like the old pro he is.

My opinion? The thing that separates us from the chaff is our experience performing together. We're probably too vulgar, but we've got undeniable stage chemistry. Recording was fun, hope you all enjoy our saucy little dish!

- Ryan

Christmas Sucks: Part 6

Exclusive Candid Photos of Quincy Christmas Shopping!

Hey. Christmas shopping really sucks. But my super producer Mike does it in style, my friends! First thing you have to do is scratch your stomach in such a manner that you show off your newly sculpted abs. "Man Among Men in 2010" is in full effect! Check out this washboard on Quincy:


Quincy likes to get in there with a good squint and check out the merchandise real careful like. He's looking at prices. He's inspecting for product flaws. This is not amateur time, folks. He's serious about that shit:















A picture is definitely worth a thousand words, folks. You don't need me to tell you that man was not meant to live like this. Quincy's yuletide agony is written across his face clearly:

Christmas Sucks: Part 5

Christmas: a time to betray your children's trust. YES...it's the time of year to spin a web of lies and deceit about mystical bearded men to your little ones, and I say it's a good thing.

We have far too many children out there who are being fed a steady diet of "you're a special snowflake" nonsense. We are populating the world with useless halfwits who are destined to be good for nothing but the licensed therapist industry. Lie to your children early and often. Toughen them up. Do it.

How did Ryan discover there was no Santa Claus? Same way I figured out most everything else...by reading a book. My parents had a bookshelf loaded mostly with self-help books, like "I'm OK, You're OK." I was having none of that. My personal philosophy from the age of 3 has been "I suck, but you're a frickin' IDIOT." And then there was my personal favorite from the family library....Helter Skelter.

While most little scamps were fumbling their way through Green Eggs & Ham, I was studying the Tate/LaBianca murders committed by the Manson family. And that's pretty much all you need to know about how I turned out the way I did.

One day I was paging through a parenting manual, and read through a passage guiding moms and dads through the art of teaching their kids about Santa Claus and trying to let them down easy when they finally twigged onto the truth. I was mortified, of course. Ah, delicious betrayal! They had lied to me! And I've been a better man for it, because if THOSE people were completely full of shit and able to weave tapestries of deception so I could amuse them with my fabricated wonder.....what was the rest of the world capable of? Awesome.

So what could possibly take the sting out of a season built upon untruths? How about movies based on comic books? That's what the folks at Chronic Insomnia do.

Some people think that 2009 was a significant year for comic book films. They're wrong. It was a banner year for genre entertainment, with Star Trek, GI Joe, and Transformers. But comic books? Not a whole lot.

There were some very brief appearances from minor players like The Surrogates. But the big daddy, really the only comic film worth talking about for 2009 was The Watchmen. It's largely forgotten already, but it's difficult to imagine a comic film arriving with more hype.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should probably visit Youtube and spin the Chronic Insomnia Watchmen Movie Special. It's probably our most ambitious project ever, and it turned out pretty darned good. Interesting if for no other reason than to see the Manatee in pre-weight-loss bulbous glory!

2010 figures to be a way better year for comic book films. Let's preview a bit, shall we?



Dead of Night, April
This was born in 1999 as a series of graphic novels called "Dylan Dog" from Dark Horse comics. It's about a supernatural detective named Dylan Dog, played in the film by Brandon Routh. I think this might be a nice little sleeper. I worry when a project is slanted toward grabbing big name stars. This one has serviceable talent, and the star of the show may actually end up being the script, which is preferable. I'm excited for this one.

Also, now might be a good time to pick up the original comics by Tiziano Sclavi and Angelo Stano or the TPB for Dylan Dog released earlier this year. If there is buzz about the film, those are bound to skyrocket. Take a poke through your LCS and see if you can grab these at cover or less.

Losers, April
This is an old Vertigo book by Andy Diggle, where after being betrayed and left for dead, members of a CIA black ops team root out those who targeted them for assassination. Yeah, that could work.



Kick-Ass, April
Mark Millar is an unstoppable machine! The original mini still hasn't been finished, and this movie is ready to launch in April???? Only that crazy Scottish git could pull it off. I'm telling you right now, the breakout star of the year is going to be Chloe Moretz, who plays Hitgirl in the movie. She's a whirling dervish of karate and charisma. She is going to own 2010.


Iron Man 2, May
The downside here is that Terrance Howard got a raw deal, and Whiplash is kind of a lame villain. But on the plus side, I can watch Robert Downey, Jr. play Tony Stark all day long. I'm interested to watch how this film may or may not progress toward the ultimate Avengers film. And then of course there's.....




Oliva Munn! Yeah. I'm in.






Jonah Hex, June
Jimmy Palmiotti describes this as a "heavy metal western", complete with soundtrack by....Mammoth? Hmmmmm. I'd be very scared about this becoming a giant pile of excrement, but I do have faith in Josh Brolin, who's an inspired choice to play Jonah. Yeah. Still a little scared, but I'm definitely going to go see it.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, unknown
Can't get a confirmed release date on this, but everyone involved seems to think this is coming out sometime in 2010. Scott Pilgrim has been a critical darling, and a little more female friendly than your standard comic book fare. If it gets a few more women into some comic book shops, I'm all for it. But for me, I'm not dying to see this in the theater. I'll rent it, though.


- Ryan

Mike smashes car into tree outside Studio B.

At 2:26 pm on Tuesday, Mike smashed his car into a tree outside Studio B, in the city that God forgot. Sources say that Michael was caught by his co-host Ryan Lee after cheating on him with at least 13 other podcasts. During the alleged fight, Ryan chased Mike out of the house with a golf club, beating on the back window of Michael's car. Ryan had caught Mike uploading another podcast while working on Chronic Insomnia.

Ryan was able to obtain Michael's laptop and find all of the other podcasts he's been hanging around with. Officers of the City that God forgot found Michael on the driveway snoring with his cock out. Ryan told police he was trying to help Mike out of the car with the golf club, but CPN News learned later that neighbors saw Ryan swinging a golf club at an obviously stunned Michael as he entered his Datson sedan to leave the Studio.

After further investigations by CPN News, we have learned that Michael was cheating with up 13 other podcasts while also doing Chronic Insomnia. The squeaky clean image of Michael is tarnished forever. Sponsors for Michael have said they will stand by the popular Podcast presenter through these rough times.

In a press conference late this evening, Michael made a statement on his personal Facebook page.

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt my infidelity has caused so many of my fans. I want to say I am sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I have done, but I want to give it the old Chronic Insomnia try.

I would like to ask everyone, mostly my fans and the good people of CPN for their understanding. After much soul searching, I have decided to step away from podcasting and take an indefinite break. I need to focus attention on my podcast partner and popular comic book podcast.

I ask for privacy for my podcast partner and all involved and I am especially grateful for those who have offered free sex and handjobs in these trying times."

How will the podcasting community continue without Michael? Reports from last year when Mike took a week off of the CPN, concluded that Comic Book Podcast downloads went down at least 40% over all. What will this do to the advertisers and sponsors of the CPN? Will this spell doom for other comic book podcasts?

Dennis Twat - Associated Press

Michael