Sunday, December 20, 2009

Christmas Sucks: Part 5

Christmas: a time to betray your children's trust.'s the time of year to spin a web of lies and deceit about mystical bearded men to your little ones, and I say it's a good thing.

We have far too many children out there who are being fed a steady diet of "you're a special snowflake" nonsense. We are populating the world with useless halfwits who are destined to be good for nothing but the licensed therapist industry. Lie to your children early and often. Toughen them up. Do it.

How did Ryan discover there was no Santa Claus? Same way I figured out most everything reading a book. My parents had a bookshelf loaded mostly with self-help books, like "I'm OK, You're OK." I was having none of that. My personal philosophy from the age of 3 has been "I suck, but you're a frickin' IDIOT." And then there was my personal favorite from the family library....Helter Skelter.

While most little scamps were fumbling their way through Green Eggs & Ham, I was studying the Tate/LaBianca murders committed by the Manson family. And that's pretty much all you need to know about how I turned out the way I did.

One day I was paging through a parenting manual, and read through a passage guiding moms and dads through the art of teaching their kids about Santa Claus and trying to let them down easy when they finally twigged onto the truth. I was mortified, of course. Ah, delicious betrayal! They had lied to me! And I've been a better man for it, because if THOSE people were completely full of shit and able to weave tapestries of deception so I could amuse them with my fabricated wonder.....what was the rest of the world capable of? Awesome.

So what could possibly take the sting out of a season built upon untruths? How about movies based on comic books? That's what the folks at Chronic Insomnia do.

Some people think that 2009 was a significant year for comic book films. They're wrong. It was a banner year for genre entertainment, with Star Trek, GI Joe, and Transformers. But comic books? Not a whole lot.

There were some very brief appearances from minor players like The Surrogates. But the big daddy, really the only comic film worth talking about for 2009 was The Watchmen. It's largely forgotten already, but it's difficult to imagine a comic film arriving with more hype.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should probably visit Youtube and spin the Chronic Insomnia Watchmen Movie Special. It's probably our most ambitious project ever, and it turned out pretty darned good. Interesting if for no other reason than to see the Manatee in pre-weight-loss bulbous glory!

2010 figures to be a way better year for comic book films. Let's preview a bit, shall we?

Dead of Night, April
This was born in 1999 as a series of graphic novels called "Dylan Dog" from Dark Horse comics. It's about a supernatural detective named Dylan Dog, played in the film by Brandon Routh. I think this might be a nice little sleeper. I worry when a project is slanted toward grabbing big name stars. This one has serviceable talent, and the star of the show may actually end up being the script, which is preferable. I'm excited for this one.

Also, now might be a good time to pick up the original comics by Tiziano Sclavi and Angelo Stano or the TPB for Dylan Dog released earlier this year. If there is buzz about the film, those are bound to skyrocket. Take a poke through your LCS and see if you can grab these at cover or less.

Losers, April

This is an old Vertigo book by Andy Diggle, where after being betrayed and left for dead, members of a CIA black ops team root out those who targeted them for assassination. Yeah, that could work.

Kick-Ass, April

Mark Millar is an unstoppable machine! The original mini still hasn't been finished, and this movie is ready to launch in April???? Only that crazy Scottish git could pull it off. I'm telling you right now, the breakout star of the year is going to be Chloe Moretz, who plays Hitgirl in the movie. She's a whirling dervish of karate and charisma. She is going to own 2010.

Iron Man 2, May
The downside here is that Terrance Howard got a raw deal, and Whiplash is kind of a lame villain. But on the plus side, I can watch Robert Downey, Jr. play Tony Stark all day long. I'm interested to watch how this film may or may not progress toward the ultimate Avengers film. And then of course there's.....

Oliva Munn! Yeah. I'm in.

Jonah Hex, June
Jimmy Palmiotti describes this as a "heavy metal western", complete with soundtrack by....Mammoth? Hmmmmm. I'd be very scared about this becoming a giant pile of excrement, but I do have faith in Josh Brolin, who's an inspired choice to play Jonah. Yeah. Still a little scared, but I'm definitely going to go see it.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, unknown
Can't get a confirmed release date on this, but everyone involved seems to think this is coming out sometime in 2010. Scott Pilgrim has been a critical darling, and a little more female friendly than your standard comic book fare. If it gets a few more women into some comic book shops, I'm all for it. But for me, I'm not dying to see this in the theater. I'll rent it, though.

- Ryan

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