Thursday, June 25, 2009

Why We Rule

So I was perusing the June Previews. And I saw this page of featured items in the Collectibles & Novelties and was struck with an epiphany about how bizarre and awesome are the Legion of Nerds.

On the left hand side of the page: Unbridled Sex. Ah, yes. The ol' Secret Wishes Slave Leia costume. The only problem with that - what's the goddamn secret? Every card carrying nerd (or at least the ones with penises) who ever saw Return of the Jedi will tell you loudly and openly about this fetish.

This is sophisticated nerdism. Hot, wicked, heterosexual, social nerdism. Yes, we are capable of such feats.

On the right hand side: The Antidote to Sex. Tiny PVC representations of magical blue creatures roughly three apples in height. If you own any of these and display them in an open area where another human might see them, you are guaranteed to have no sex whatsoever for the duration of said display.

It does not get much more gay than Smurfs. Remember that in the beginning, there were no females. Gargamel constructed Smurfette as an evil confederate sent to infiltrate and destroy Smurf village.

Before that? And endless sea of blue dick. Everywhere you look, beneath every skin tight white pantaloon, a blueberry cock. Inside the show, the Smurfs were not terribly sexual. Inside of Peyo, their creator, beat the heart of an Epic Queer.

This is childish nerdism. Silly, closetly homosexual, asocial nerdism.

And it's all sitting there on the same page, and you know what? It makes perfect sense to me. It's just crap we watched and enjoyed between 1981-1983. We integrated both with no difficulty.

You want to save the world? You want to build some goddamn bridges? Learn from the nerds. We know about unconditional, open love.

We love ridiculous synthetic blue gayboys. And we will grab a tube of AstroGlide and love the ever lovin' shit out of a woman wearing that Secret Wishes Slave outfit.

We are nerds. And we rule.

- Ryan

No comments: