Saturday, December 12, 2009
Christmas Sucks: Part 3
All right, let's continue to NOT enjoy Christmas together, shall we? Misery loves company, and we love the all of you!
Christmas usually falls during the winter, and that means cold and snow. At least it does here in the The City That God Forgot. Cold isn't all bad, I guess. Cold means erect nipples, and at my age... I'm pleased when anything stands at attention.
But nobody has ever properly explained to me the appeal of goddamn snow. I receive no pleasure from glistening flakes falling from the sky. I call snow by it's more proper name: "Death to Traffic."
Having slippery substances underneath your wheels grinds things down enough. The morons who all make more money than I do supply the rest of the delay. Here's an idea - if there's snow and ice on the road, I don't know....slow down a little. Maybe...leave a little space between yourself and the next vehicle. This pretty complex stuff.
And God forbid the inevitable accidents occur. Then you get the slowholios, who gear it down to three miles an hour for a glimpse at a mangled corpse. Listen. I got places to be, you degenerates. If you want to see the human body defaced in the most vomitous way possible, there are Japanese horror films available, people. That's why God gave us Takashi Miike.
There is a solution to the Christmas blues, though. Prizes from Chronic Insomnia! Right now we have two incredibly easy contests running.
Contest # 1: Send Ryan awesome pictures of Kate Beckinsale
That's right! You spend half your day sending mindless nonsense to your friends already, this one pays you back! Whoever sends me the best picture of Kate Beckinsale by midnight on December 31 gets a copy of Thor # 1 signed by superstar artist Olivier Coipel!
Where do you send your entry? Why, to "firstname.lastname@example.org", of course. And no, I'm not kidding. This book was signed by Coipel, authenticated by Dynamic Forces, and limited to only 250 copies. Very cool.
If you want the inside track on winning this book, I have one word for you: magenta. hair. Use your photoshop skills, padawan. If you build it, the Coipel book will come.
Contest # 2: Send Chronic Insomnia the scientific name for the gynecology duck bill device!
Could I google this in about 7 seconds? Of course I could. But I'd rather have somebody else do it. Whoever sends the correct name for the duck bill that goes where Ryan cannot to "email@example.com" first wins a signed copy Models, Inc # 1
OK, this one isn't signed by superstar artist Olivier Coipel. It's going to be signed by superstar jackass Ryan Lee. But hey, if the show gets picked up by NBC this year, that could be worth more than the first appearance of Gambit or something. It could happen.
Remember to send a mailing address with your entries!