Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Chronic Mailbag!

Friend of the show Nick asks:

After reading FF # 8, I have to ask, in which order would you bang Black Bolt's five wives?

This is an important and excellent question, but a question which can only be answered in the hypothetical.  Not because these are fictional characters, because in infinite time/space, somewhere out there fiction is reality.  No, it must be answered in the hypothetical because a wise man does not tap the ass of any woman mixed up with a guy that can erase Europe by clearing his throat.  Not worth it.

But answering in the spirit in which the question was asked, here's your list, from least desirable to the most poundable of Black Bolt's five wives:

#5:   Kymelian First Chair Onomi Whitemane
There's a lot of problems here.  First Chair means she plays some kind of musical instrument at a high level.  Forget what you heard about band camp and the euphemistic allure of a woman with a flute in her mouth - when you're dealing with a first chair, you're dealing with a demure wallflower, not a bedroom wild cat.

Plus, too skinny.  Somebody get a feed bag on that girl!  Onomi needs some sugar cubes!  Look, I'm an out of the box guy, but if I'm going to go for an animal chick, I'm shooting straight past the horse chick, I'm passing up the dolphin girl, and throwing a skirt on Rocket Raccoon and drilling for the win.  The end.

#4:  Badoon Queen Aladi Ko Eke
We're moving up the chain of hurts-so-good possibilities now.  I like a woman to knock me around for a couple rounds before we get to the main event, and a Badoon dame is certainly up for that.  I'm not opposed to Aladi, per se, but she's not that hot, and she's got more hair on her arms than Robin Williams.

So as much as I like the sport, I still want a woman, you know.  Aladi Ko Eke is too much man for me.  If I wanted a man, I'd go find Jensen Ackles or something.

#3:  Centaurian Matriarch Oola Udonta
Now we're talking!  Oola is a Centaurian, so she's also tough as adamantium nails and ready to destroy me, but she's also all woman.  This is the best of all worlds, and I wouldn't mind wearing the bruises required to go a round or three with Ms. Udonta.  The only downside here is that I'm just not into the fin thing (sorry, dolphins) and she has no hair.  Speaking of hair...

# 2:   Inhuman Queen Medusa
Yeah, baby!  She's a hot piece of ace, but you still maintain the "outside of the species" forbidden pleasure thing.  Plus, she's absolutely got the desperate housewife ready to explode on some lucky bastard vibe going.  Black Bolt is not a doting husband, you know what I'm saying?  She's ready to give it up, hard.

She could still put me in check, which is nice, she's got access to Terrigen mists, who knows what that shit actually does?  Anything could happen.  And I don't know what she's capable of doing with that prehensile hair, but I'm not above finding out.

Small downside is that the same baggage that is likely to make her a maelstrom of sexual frustration uncoiled is also likely to make her want to sit around afterward and yap about feelings and crap.  Her husband literally doesn't talk.  She smells like a need bomb waiting to go off.  But strictly for the pop-pop-pop?  Medusa's a winner.  But she's not the winner.

# 1:  Dire Wraith Goddess Avoe
Don't underestimate the power of a shape-changing Dirty Girl.  Hey, I know that her arms look like 12 pounds of jello in a tiny little ziplock bag.  But listen - she can look like anything you can imagine.  The possibilities....are endless.

Plus, this is an out-of-the-box thinker who does black magic and worships a dark sun.  There is nothing you can suggest that is going to have Avoe back on her vestigial heels, and nothing her morphing body can't pull off.  You see a red demon...I see Kate Beckinsale daring me to the limits of each orifice in alphabetical order in the the name of science.  Crown her!

- Ryan

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