My Special Birthday

It's almost my birthday. My very special birthday. For those of you who listen to the show, you're going to get a different dose of Chronic Insomnia next week. I can't promise you it will be very good...by I can promise you it will be very Ryan.

Mike has decided that I will dominate format and content for my upcoming birthday episode.(next edition will be recorded March 3 when I turn 36) He's going to be ruling the next one with an iron fist. Buckle up, buttercups!

I learned a lot during my 35th year. Some of what I learned was fucktastically horrid and depressing. I choose not to dwell on that, my friends.

Let's talk about some good shit I picked up over the last 12 months:

#1: I touched Aphrodite IX

Jealous? You should be. She was radiant and sublime tromping through FallCon, all sex and guns. I was a morbidly obese caucasian, drowning in seven brands of sweat from the 113 degree temperatures inside the barn they called a showroom.

It didn't matter. I humbly begged a goddess for a moment of her time, and fate smiled upon me. Am I loser? Undoubtedly. For a brief flitter of time, however, I was the Lord of Losers.

# 2: We are 100% smack dab in the birthing stages of the great TPB revolution

Every few thousand years mankind shifts thinking, and a new epoch is born. We are now living in the great TPB paradigm shift epoch.

Have you ever wished you could go back in time and drop a few dollars on a 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle or Fantastic Four # 1? Well, I don't have a time machine for you, but I have the next best thing. Start buying trade paperbacks. Now.

#3: Chipotle is really goddamn good.

I don't even care what you get. Chicken, pork, steak, barbacoa, it's all ridiculously delicious. Fire some salsa on there if you want to be an asshole about it, but the flavors involved do not require more spices and heat.

Does my barbacoa burrito contain more than 1,000 calories? You bet your ass it does. Go fuck yourself and let me enjoy it in peace, what are you my mother the dietician? If aliens came down to judge our planet, they would stop at Chipotle and decide we were worthy to continue.

#4: Peter David is the most underrated writer in the history of comics.

I want you to open up your Wizard if you're unfortunate enough to still be reading the magazine and look at their top 10 writers. You won't find Peter David on there, because Wizard is ruled by very silly fuckers.

You can make a case for Grant Morrison and Joss Whedon in my presence. Peter David is leagues above everybody else on that list.

The problem is that his greatness is so consistent it numbs you to it. He is the most clever writer in comics history. If you pick up a comic book written by Peter David and aren't in an intimate relationship with your sister, you will enjoy it. Guaranteed.

#5: D.O.A.: Dead or Alive might be the best pure T&A flick in cinema history

Sarah Carter is key here, but the nubile quotient is at critical levels pretty much everywhere. No, this is not Ben Hur or Chariots of Fire. It's a damn T&A flick. If you're the sort of person who enjoys breasts but finds raw porn to be a bit soul-chaffing, this is your Citizen Kane. It is the Citizen Kane of breasts and bums.

#6: David is at the height of his game-running powers

Who knew that all it would take to inspire greatness from Dave was to simply deny him work? I would have crippled him years ago if only I knew.

Would somebody please hand this kid a winning lottery ticket? I don't think this is Europe, so he may have to go back to a job at some point. In the meantime, we will sup from the wine of Story and be glad of it while we can.

#7: I love doing the show

Once a week, I get to sit in a "studio", be creative and perform a character loosely based on me. I laugh until my face hurts and my eyes weep.

We do the show on our terms, with no quarter asked or given. And occasionally people actually enjoy it. The show is like comics - Christmas (or a birthday) every week.

- Ryan