Friday, February 22, 2008
Shadow Hunter and Jennas Vagina
Is this one big smelly vagina? Well I read it a few minutes ago and my hands don't smell too much like sushi. I wanted to hate this comic book badly. I wanted to be able to review it and rip it apart cause it was written by porn star. Well happily I can do just that.
To start with I have to say it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I need to mention that I thought this would be a huge cottage cheese filled vagina with terrible warts lining it's outer lips. It turned out to be more like a well used, fairly clean, rotten porn star vagina that's been screwed by giant trolls all too often.
The story is REALLY simple. On the first couple of pages I thought it was going to be actually good. The dialog was far from the sixth grade mentality I was expecting, but after reading a few more pages into the comic I realized I was right. It turned out to be more like an eighth grade reading level, but it was still pretty terrible. This woman, Jezzerie Jaden, (I would have named her Jizz-erie, I think that would have been more appropriate) has had visions her whole life of some war between Demons and Monsters. When she was young she thought these visions were cute and fun to look at, but as she grew older she realized these could be bad things to keep seeing all the time.
The whole comic and story line move along at a very stuttered pace. It speeds up and slows down all over the place with no real semblance of meaning. I was having a hard time following the story because of this. I assure you this was not because Jenna was writing above my head, it was more her writing style, which was like something my son mutters while he's sleeping. Incoherent and segmented.
Jizzerie just walks along slaying Demons throughout New York City talking about her doctor and how he was unable to help her with her visions. She's covered in blood and talking smack to Demons the size of small skyscrapers, which she calls old "friends" and it just seems all to unreal, even for a comic book. Oh yeah to make this drooling vagina even more unappealing, we get to see Jizzerie change from a hot blond woman to a black haired veiny demon slayer for no real apparent reason while slaying across New York. There is a "surprise" ending, but it was so telegraphed by the eighth grade story, that it was hard to miss. I won't ruin it for anyone out there who wants to torture themselves by reading this comic book. But I warn you that you may become stupider by reading this. Don't worry about me though, as you can clearly see I am already stupid enough for buying this comic book.
Ryan spoke of wanting this to be written by Garth Ennis or even Warren Ellis, but I'm sure they wouldn't touch a story idea this thin. Honestly we don't even get to see that much skin, which one would expect from a porn star of her magnitude.
As a side not, not quite relating to the comic book story line I need to mention a couple of things. Jenna has changed her look lately and now she resembles a crack whore rather than the normal next door neighbor. I am not sure what she is suffering from in her life, but the change she is making is so drastic that they chose to use her old image to sell this comic. I don't want to turn this into a porn star review rather than a Comic Book review, but obviously this comic will sell just on Jenna's older looks rather than her new look, which is so bad I think she might have lost her mother fucking mind. She was probably too damn cute to be a porn star before, but now she looks like a huge whore who guys are going to have to think of someone else to be able to perform with.
Artwork - 3 1/2, it looks pretty good. Nothing special, but I find certain parts of the comic to be decent looking. The artist knows his womanly hips.
Story - 2 stars, it starts out decently, but ends up being rushed and a very immature reason to show bad blood and gore.
I am a virgin no longer, the "Shadow Hunter" has taken my cherry and I want it back. On second thought after looking at Jenna now, she can keep it.
Posted by Michael LaMere at 10:16 PM