Nosferatu.....Deux!

OK, so friends of the show already know that my good friend the vampire showed up again at work, which is awesome. What is he doing? Just running around being a vampire. Showing off his pipes. In the above photo, he is observed licking his lips as he eyes a woman's jugular.

And I don't want to hear any nonsense about "Oh, you shouldn't make fun of him, he's sick. Oh, maybe he's got porphyria or something."

Bullshit. Maybe he's a GODDAMN NOSFERATU. Because that's what he is.

Now, on this occasion he tried to button hook everybody by wearing a Laguna Beach lifeguard shirt, as though he likes nothing better than to bask in the sun. That is also bullshit. The only way he survived entering the building was because he walked in wearing jet black Hefty trash bags covering every inch of his body.

Proof # 1 that this guy is actually a representative of the undead:

Look at him menace those Vera Wang sheets! He can't hold up the act forever, man. If you wait long enough, he shows his true face. Some lady just passed by with a crucifix around her neck, so he got all huffy. That is one pissed off vampire.

Proof # 2 that this guy is immortal and will drink your damn blood:

He can't hold up the act perfectly. This photo clearly shows him folding his arms across his body. That's because as soon as his conscious mind slips out of "blending" mode, he just naturally folds his arms just like he does when he's resting in his coffin.

Case closed. Brooklyn Center is crawling with many creatures of the night, but this nosferatu is my favorite.

- Ryan

Chronic News: Nosferatu!

If you listened to the last episode, you heard me talk about my encounter with a vampire on Monday. And you probably thought to yourself:

"What a dumb ass. That's not even funny."

You're right...it isn't funny. It goddamn happened to me. I live and work in a city featuring the Undead Denizens of Hell. There are goddamned Nosferatu running around my city, and it is frightening.

You know in some pieces of the vampire mythos, you cannot photograph a vampire. This clearly puts that to rest. And in another part of the vampire mythos, this person is not that interested in sucking blood, but mainly wants you to believe that you're a chicken. It's possible that my broadcast partner is the only person on planet earth keeping that tradition alive, which is fine.

At least he isn't sparkling and pissing me off with his bed head Gothitude. I like my vampires bald, ugly, and ready to rip some throats out without any psychological baggage about it. Jesus, we're food, vampires have to eat, too. No reason to visit the therapist about it, really.

So that's my story. Some of you are floating out there comforted by the fact that horror movies are just fantasy. Fuck you. The creatures of the night are living among us, trying on Lee jeans, and leaving them neatly folded in retail fitting room stalls near you. Sleep tight, America!

- Ryan