Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Chronic News: Nosferatu!

If you listened to the last episode, you heard me talk about my encounter with a vampire on Monday. And you probably thought to yourself:

"What a dumb ass. That's not even funny."

You're right...it isn't funny. It goddamn happened to me. I live and work in a city featuring the Undead Denizens of Hell. There are goddamned Nosferatu running around my city, and it is frightening.

You know in some pieces of the vampire mythos, you cannot photograph a vampire. This clearly puts that to rest. And in another part of the vampire mythos, this person is not that interested in sucking blood, but mainly wants you to believe that you're a chicken. It's possible that my broadcast partner is the only person on planet earth keeping that tradition alive, which is fine.

At least he isn't sparkling and pissing me off with his bed head Gothitude. I like my vampires bald, ugly, and ready to rip some throats out without any psychological baggage about it. Jesus, we're food, vampires have to eat, too. No reason to visit the therapist about it, really.

So that's my story. Some of you are floating out there comforted by the fact that horror movies are just fantasy. Fuck you. The creatures of the night are living among us, trying on Lee jeans, and leaving them neatly folded in retail fitting room stalls near you. Sleep tight, America!

- Ryan

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