The Re-re-re-re-re-Boot of The Avengers

The Avengers # 1
Marvel Comics
Script: Brian Michael Bendis
Pencils: John Romita Jr.
23 pages for $3.99 (Right in the Goat Ass)

You know what is beautiful about a review by me? Well I'll tell you. I have no knowledge of anything that might have happened in the past for any of these Marvel books. I am cumming into them as a complete virgin (how's that for a Chronic Insomnia Jizm joke?) and that means good things for you.

So I went to my local comic book store and picked up the new re-re-re-re-booted Avengers title by Brian Michael Bendis and at first I thought it was total crap. The first few pages left me with a bad taste in my mouth, not like I should have eaten more pineapple, more like I just drank a vomit shake. To say the dialog was cheesy is an understatement. When Steve Rogers is giving his speech to the "team" I thought my four year old could have written more realistic dialog. But after that it really got pretty good.

The dialog from Spiderman cracked me up and the play between Rogers and Stark felt strained, as it should. Apparently Stark and Rogers had a small falling out in the past and they have issues yet to be resolved. I'm not sure, but it might have something to do with that damned registration act and ensuing civil war.

The story starts with the formation of this rather large group of superheroes, is it me or was the Avengers just a handful of people? Well this group is larger than my High School graduating class and it seems enormous to me, but then again so does my penis, go figure. Anyways after assembling everyone and telling them how they are badasses and are needed to save the world and yadda yadda yadda, insert cheesy dialog once again, they are interrupted by Kang. Now I admit, I have no fucking clue who this evil time traveling bastard is, but Thor really seemed to take a disliking to him straight away. Thor blasted that fucker like twelve seconds after the time vortex spit him out.On a side note I had a huge problem with a certain page in this book. Rogers is standing with his fine ass showing at the conference table spilling his yadda yadda, you badass me badass crap and there are labels above the most notable heroes in Marvel History. What the fuck is that shit? Who do they think is reading this comic book, aliens? Why are they telling me that Spiderman is the one hanging upside down in the picture? Do they think there are NEW comic book readers, wake up Marvel, the only ones reading your books are 35 years old and they already know who the fuck Iron Man is. He just made $140 million at the box office this past month. What a waste of ink and it insults even my intelligence, which is difficult to do. ...k back to the review.

Kang brings some interesting news to the newly formed Avengers society (I would say group, but it's got like twelve thousand members, so it's more like a society to me) and he also brought a device that Stark has yet to build. Some dark energy doomsday device. Either way it's just a plot device to get the heroes to not kill him outright before he can threaten them with future wrong doings from their children. Yeah that's right, even Spiderman gets laid in the future. Sorry if I spoiled that for you.

I don't want to give away the ending totally, but I will post a picture of the final page and let you determine what might be happening. I guess the Hulk has taken hairstyle tips from Thor, because he's got some locks of lust going on for sure. P.S. Is that the same Hulk from Old Man Logan who has sex with his offspring? If so, I can see why, he's one sexy mutha-fucka.

As a whole this book is fun. It's a popcorn comic book and a good one. Honestly the world of comic books could use more books like this. I am a little sick and tired of all the seriousness seen in books these days. Sure cheese can get old, but this kind of cheese leaves a good taste in my mouth. I am not a huge fan of Romita Jrs. pencils, but it doesn't detract from the book at all. I'm not tearing into Romita Jr. because we have a long standing feud with our friends in Canada, it's just he doesn't blow my skirt up and never has. If you like your heroes to look like their ALL in their mid-twenties, then he's your guy. He's just mediocre at best for me, which is just fine. Not everyone is McNiven and that's okay.

If you are interested in The Avengers of old, this might not be the book for you. If you liked "Last Action Hero" because it didn't take itself too seriously and it was meant to be a popcorn movie, this might be the book for you. I was actually a little surprised when I read the final page of this book and the hook got itself into me pretty good, I AM going to go out and get the next book in this series, so for now, I'm in. Grab some popcorn and pull up a seat, be careful, if you're a collector that fucking butter shit gets all over the pages.

Michael