Entropy Week: Nancy in Hell # 1!

Nancy in Hell # 1
Image Comics
Script: El Torres
Pencils: Juan Jose Ryp
22 pages for $2.99

I'm closing out entropy week with this little number, and I probably should have lead with it since it's the least depressing of the lot. But still, the despair is in there.

After the plague hit Europe (and other assorted locales) and wiped out about 1/3 of everybody everywhere, art understandably took a turn toward the macabre. It was beautiful, to be sure. But your prevailing subjects were demons, grim reapers, hell, death. Understandable, actually. When a crisis of that magnitude hits, it's difficult to be focused on cotton candy and unicorns.

But what's our excuse? Yeah, we had 9/11, and that's a bitch. The threat of terrorism is a bitch, in some ways worse than the cold war - at least then we could nail down a locale for the bastards who wanted to do us.

Take a look around, though, at the psychological comic book landscape. How bout Final Crisis at DC proper or World's End in the Wildstorm Universe? Warren Ellis pretty much wipes out America in Black Summer, then wipes out London in Freakangels, then wipes out everything in Supergod. In the 1960s, Cesar Romero made The Joker funny. In the 21st Century, that aint just face paint. The Joker is fucked up down to the core, and makes a more compelling case for nihilism than Batman did for hope in Nolan's Dark Knight.

Art mirrors life. And if you look carefully, you can see a thread unravelling the sweater. Or at least, we seem to think the sweater is coming apart. And while Nancy in Hell is more relaxed and more committed to fun than Crossed, there's still something morose about it. The threats in this book are omnipresent, and the prevailing wisdom is that there is no getting out of it.

I guess if you want the crux of the 21st Century lament it is this: "We have bitten off more than we can chew." Obviously there have been problems in the past that scared the shit out of us as a species: predators, natural disasters, inter-tribal conflicts, disease, etc.

I think the difference is that in The Good Olde Days, it felt like the problems, no matter how vicious, seemed temporary and localized, and that there was maybe somebody out there with the goods to fix them. If not God, then Caesar. I don't think we have that any more.

We don't believe that anybody has a handle on the impending oil/energy crisis. Shit, we can't even plug leaks in oil pipes! It takes three months to stop a rig in the Gulf from puking out millions of gallons of oil? REALLY??? I don't think we have faith that anybody has answers for the Climate Crisis, if there is one. Still can't even agree on that. Even if we did, does anybody think that something significant would be done if it prevented BP from making an extra nickel?

Our antibiotics are losing efficacy, the diseases keep getting scarier, and if FEMA couldn't get a trailer to New Orleans for a crisis they KNEW was coming, you can imagine what the response is going to be like if Avian flu ever gets rolling.

So it makes sense that El Torres would set his book in hell and pit Nancy against impossible odds. It just feels right to be fucked in the 21st Century.

As a comic mind you, it's not half bad. I like a variety in my reading diet. There's a place in my heart for books with simple, cheap, dirty hooks. You take a stock blond tough chick, you toss her into the infernal pits with a shotgun and let her go to town.

And if that's what you're looking for, well, you're going to get it. Nancy does a lot of ass kicking, with a chainsaw more often than not. She's kinda cute in a gutter whore sort of way, complete with jean shorts cut into what amounts to a denim thong. And as is his specialty, Juan Jose Ryp depicts the violence in every graphic detail.

Torres at least makes a valid attempt to introduce some fresh elements to the well-trodden ground he's walking on. There are sub-cultures in hell, (and inside the story, most of the characters assume they're in hell, but there's no signs posted or anything) and the castes are largely built upon the strength of your identity. Physicality is built on memory and attitude. So as you remember or believe you are, so you are in that realm.

Everyone it seems ultimately loses a grasp on that identity and degrades into a mindless shambling husk of themselves. In the interim, there are sentient groups that have gathered together to indulge in whatever sick pleasure suits their fancy. So Torres is trying to carve out his own cosmology of the damned, and some of it feels like it could pay off if fleshed out, pardon the pun.

But while there was a legitimate attempt at novelty, much of Nancy in Hell feels painfully familiar. There's nothing to really separate Nancy from say, Cassie Hack, other than the fact that Cassie has more interesting things to say and plays with more depth due to her relationship with Vlad.

How about Nancy's mentor at the bar, Phil? Here's a panel of Phil:

And here's the cover of Antony Johnston and Christopher Mitten's Wasteland # 1:

Separated at birth I guess. Maybe Phil just walked out of the Big Wet into the valley of the damned. I don't know. There's some succubus type demon chicks that are pretty stock, and the Big Bad so far reminds me a lot of that crazy guy who shot lasers out of his eyes at Luke Cage and Iron Fist during PM/IF # 108.

I'm not suggesting that the Nancy in Hell team swiped that guy, since I'm probably the only human left on earth who even remembers that comic. I'm not suggesting they intentionally swiped anything. Look, this is well-travelled ground, and things float around in the culture, and they become what Jung would call Types. There's a lot of them in this comic.

If you find yourself jonesing for the old Chaos material, I think this is an outstanding fix for you. It reminds me a lot of what Brian Pulido was doing with Evil Ernie in terms of tone and such. As a high-action feast for the eyes, I recommend Nancy in Hell heartily. And of all the entropy books this week, Nancy in Hell certainly has the most fun. One gets the feeling that Nancy might even win this fight. Looks like she's going to need Lucifer's help to do it, though. And that's where we're at psychologically in the 21st century. Your best hope looks like The Devil. Fuck, that's depressing!

- Ryan

Entropy Week: Crossed Family Values # 3!

Crossed: Family Values # 3
Avatar Comics
Script: David Lapham
Pencils: Javier Barreno
22 pages for $3.99

This is the worst thing I have ever seen or read in any medium. By worst I don't mean to say that it lacks quality. What I mean is that the things that happen between the covers of Crossed: Family Values # 3 are so deplorable and handled so bluntly that it is difficult to finish the book.

Now that's entertainment!

You feel wrong reading the damn thing, you feel wrong recognizing that yes, this accurately depicts the worst of the human condition, and you feel sort of bad for David Lapham for carrying these things around inside of him. Maybe you fear for his wife and children a little, if he has such things. I'm sure they're fine. But you might wonder any way.

If Wertham had brought Crossed (penned by Ennis or Lapham) to those Senate subcomittee hearings, we wouldn't have ended up with a Comics Code Authority. Everyone in the biz would have been executed. That's how bad (or good?) this comic is.

Because the thing is, as gruesome as the old EC comics were, and by golly they were gruesome, there was always a sense of fun behind them. The stories were bookended with playful ghouls who told really bad jokes and sort of winked at you - they popped the tension balloon a little bit. Reminded you that in the end, it was all a goof, a diversion.

There is no such safety net in Crossed. I take that back. There is a tiny little scene in this issue where one of the Crossed plays with poop. Adorable. Plus, poop is always funny, unless you find it in your pillowcase. Actually, it's still funny then, for everyone except the owner of said pillowcase.

But the rest of it? The horror is dark, it is deep, and it punches your balls into your throat. This is not a good issue to be a fetus, I must say. Not good at all. Not good to be an infant, either, really. If you take the time to scour this splash page carefully, (and why not get your money's worth?) somebody has decided that it wasn't good enough to simply throw this baby out of the window. That's for amateurs. If you want to do it right, you have to light the child on fire first, and chuck it like an IRA member with Molatoddler Cocktail.

Motherhood, childhood, religion, friendship, family, honor, faith, hope....forget about all of that. Well, that's not exactly true. Addy still perseveres, so a speck of hope is still on the table. Every other sacred cow gets savaged by the end of this issue, but frankly doesn't it feel like we deserve it?

I just don't think this could have existed twenty years ago. We thought that Faust was edgy horror. And it kind of is. This book makes Faust look like George Michael during his Wham days. We used to think Motley Crue represented Satan. Bullshit. They represented alcoholism, faux rebellion, and getting laid.

This is horror pure. What does it say about us that we are now finally ready for it? It's scary, you want my opinion.

I suppose a case could be made that I'm indulging in hyperbole. I surely do hope that is the case. I certainly have a history of it. But the fact that Crossed exists, and that it says something that connects should honestly make one's arsehole shrink up a bit. We're in trouble as a species.

If it sounds like I'm condemning the comic, please be advised that you've got me all wrong. There is truth here. Not "the" truth, whatever that is, but a sliver of something that rings correctly about where human beings are at, and what we expect from each other. I'm all for truth, no matter how bitter the taste. If it says something accurately, and I believe that Crossed does, then we bloody well ought to bend an ear, as far as we're able.

Some will say that this is not a message book, just an exercise in shock for the sake of being shocking. I think that's a dangerously infantile simplification. Even if you limited it to shock value though, this is the Rolls Royce of shock books. Respect it for being the best of its kingdom, even if you don't like the real estate, I say.

Crossed is not for everybody, but it is sublime in its depravity. We earned it, we got it. God help us.

- Ryan

Entropy Week: Marvel Universe vs. The Punisher # 1!

Marvel Universe Vs. The Punisher # 1
Marvel Comics
Script: Jonathan Maeberry
Pencils: Goran Parlov
23 pages for $3.99

Welcome to entropy week, kids! I sat down and read my comics this week, and I enjoyed most of them to some degree, but couldn't help but notice a sudden desire to drink a tall glass of blowfish toxin and just end the suffering of it all.

Now granted, part of the problem is my personal taste and my personal collecting habits. I'm a card carrying cynic, and I buy comics with a darker tone, and so I chain-read Crossed, Nancy in Hell, and Marvel Universe Vs. The Punisher. So part of it is me.

But part of it isn't. I'm not really being controversial here. We're jaded. We don't believe in anything any more, and the racks are choked with our disillusionment. Ever notice that "Brightest Day" is filled with just as many horrible atrocities as "Blackest Night?" If Aquaman summoning uncontrollable zombie sea creatures is bright, there's a problem.

Have you noticed that the "Heroic Age" over at Marvel is nothing more than a banner at the top of the books designed to increase sales, signifying nothing? We wouldn't know what to do with heroism any more. It would come off as lame at best, but really just insincere.

What we understand in the 21st century is cynicism, two-faced political rhetoric, souls as commodities, everything as commodities, and pain. That's what we can buy. And that's what we're sold.

So here we have Marvel Universe Vs. The Punisher, and just to be clear, I enjoyed this book and don't have a problem with it. But it's a downer. A mysterious virus has caused the population to become rabid, violent bastards. You know, just like 28 Days Later, Marvel Zombies, Crossed, and 15 different things you've seen in the past two weeks. The idea is so played at this point that Reed Richards knows that you know all this, and has to describe how this virus is different.

Do you see what I mean, though? There's so much of this trope floating around right now, Marvel is forced to sell you on the concept that their latest concoction is ever so slightly different. The real story here isn't copyright infringement, it's the idea that collectively, as a group, we've decided that the end feels nigh. Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. And it feels like the shit's coming down, man.

The book itself is passable or better. I've never heard of Jonathan Maeberry before, but he's producing professional grade work. The hook is strong. The world is collapsing, and Frank Castle is trying to pick up the pieces. Again, I don't know if Maeberry is a newbie or not, but the classic rookie mistake is to overwrite - try flashbacks, dip into purple prose to demonstrate chops. Maeberry understands that less is more, particularly with a book like this.

I really appreciated the opening scene with Deadpool, actually. Frank puts a couple of rounds in him, chops him up into pieces and scatters them. It's the 33rd time he's had to kill Deadpool. The first layer of the joke is that it fits with the character, because Wade's regenerative. I think the second layer is a shot at Pool's overexposure. No matter how many times he's beaten into the ground....there he is again! Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I doubt it. I think Maeberry's got a little subversive streak in him, and I enjoyed it.

This is not particularly deep, nor was it designed to be. The objective appears to be a "tortured soul against the world", and it excels at that. If you liked "Road Warrior" or Marvel Zombies, you're bound to enjoy this. There's no reason in the world why this should cost $3.99 an issue, by the way. Just sayin'.

There's a definite dearth of hope in this comic, which is understandable. It's apocalyptic, for crying out loud. In 2010 we expect our governments or big business to create some crap that will destroy everything. We expect that we've bitten off more than we can chew, and the virus won't be stopped. We expect to lose now.

Is that sad, or is that what we need to make change? It felt sad to me today. It makes me want to read some Straczynski Superman or something. Maybe that guy is on to something....

- Ryan

Chronic Review: Batman Under the Red Hood dvd!

This is the strongest of the DC animated features to date. Actually, let me rephrase that more accurately. Batman: Under the Red Hood is the strongest feature length animated film DC has released to date. The best work they've produced so far is the Jonah Hex short also included on this DVD.

I particularly enjoyed the nearly perfect 50/50 blend of action and drama. No origin story or obligatory buzz killing introductions to wade through, and that helped big time.

I haven't read the original comics work by Judd Winnick, (who also developed the screenplay) so I can't comment on how the movie stacks up against the source. What I know is that the story uses a tried and true vengeance hook that really does work.

Nothing in here tries to re-invent the wheel. You've got all the classic Bat-elements involved. Batman and multiple Robins, multiple bad guys including Ra's al Ghul and The Joker. Under the Red Hood was wise to roll a good dollop of Batman's most iconic ingredients into one satisfying stew.

Are there any flaws? Sure, I could nitpick. If I see one more character deflect multiple bullets with a goddamn sword I'm going to puke. I don't know where that trope came from, but it needs to go away, like now. Here's the thing. If that character is such a badass, and has such incredible reflexes that they can redirect a high velocity round with a blade....why are they being struck with punches two seconds later? If you want to bend the rules of time and space, fine. Just be consistent with it, kay? OK.

There is one particular plot point that I hesitate to say much about, but let's just say that the Red Hood's "master plan" really feels like a stretch. Also, the Joker and Red Hood are having a conversation with each other 1,000 yards apart, which feels a bit strange even while they're shouting, and quite impossible when they aren't.

None of those things are deal-breakers, though. Some of the action sequences in the movie are an absolute joy to watch. There's a fight toward the beginning of the film where Nightwing shows up to help his old mentor take on an android called Amazo. The whole thing is, well, beautiful. Nightwing's color scheme looks particularly good while fighting, which I recognize is an odd thing to say, but just trust me. When you watch it, you'll be nodding your head in agreement with me, and then the person watching it with you will think you're odd. So it will all even out.

The Red Hood makes a good foil for Batman for many reasons, but the most interesting ones to me were the philosophical ones. There's a showdown of sorts between the Red Hood, Joker, and Batman at the end that really pays off for me. I'm not convinced that Batman has the best, most convincing answers to the questions posed to him by the Red Hood, and that's not even the point. The point is how satisfying it is to have a character in the story call Bruce out on questions readers have wondered for decades.

It's hard to talk about these things without getting spoiler heavy, which has never stopped me before, so I don't know why I'm being considerate now. Suffice to say that if you have any interest in Batman or enjoyed any of the other DC animated films, this one will not disappoint.

And then there's the Jonah Hex short. Oh, what a shame we only got 10 minutes of this!

Some may balk at the "anime" style employed, but I thought it looked great. The script is sharp, to the point, true to the character, and ended with punch. Really wish we could have had a full 90 minutes of Jonah Hex, and the live action film crew should have watched this animated film to see how it's done...

- Ryan

Chronic Review: Glamourpuss # 14!

Glamourpuss # 14
Aardvark-Vanaheim
Script: Dave Sim
Pencils: Dave Sim
23 pages for $3.00


I think it's healthy to check in on the things you loathe once in awhile. It keeps you fresh, focused and it prevents the mind from spitting out dogmatic nonsense. I'm not suggesting that you should hold a subscription to everything you hate. That would seem counter-productive to a life of happiness. I'm suggesting that after two years of taking pot shots at it, that it was time for Ryan Lee to re-investigate Glamourpuss and experience what I've spent so much energy bitching about.

Just to quickly recap - for the uninitiated, Glamourpuss is a very bizarre hybrid. It combines a history of photo-realistic illustration (focusing mostly on Alex Raymond) with anti-feminist social commentary. By hybrid, I don't mean that this is one narrative that intermingles these things. One half of the book is photo-realism, and the other half is fashionista hijinx.

I think I could probably write a book on this book, but of course we don't have the time or space for that here. A few thoughts on my revisit to the House of Sim:

1) Dave Sim is an extraordinary penciller

I know that should be obvious by now, but I'm telling you the truth - I did not really absorb this fact until I read Glamourpuss # 14. I mean, this guy can really draw. I like his faces, I'm especially impressed with the way he renders hair. I like his lines that convey motion. There are several points during the Alex Raymond bits where he is layering "ghost" lines into a figure or scene, and they look goddamn fantastic.

In the first panel, Raymond is shutting the door of his vehicle, and it casts a shadow on the vehicle that just looks....spookily true. Everything looks accurate. The people, the cars, the backgrounds, it all rings true, and this is not a guy with a stack of photos and a lightbox. This is a penciller with a mature style at what I would assume is the top of the game. If he gets better than this, that would be pretty scary.

2) The Concept Is Still Completely Untenable

I know that Dave Sim is an adult funding this with his own hard earned money, and he can do what he wants. Fine.

This thing is too weird for life. There are certain things that just don't go together well, even if both elements are positive. I know people who like shrimp and people who like ice cream. Shrimp ice cream is a BAD fucking idea.

The photo-realism bit and the social commentary bit just don't work together. Listen, norms are powerful things. Norms are more powerful than laws, and yet they are almost never written. They don't need to be written, they are simply understood. To not understand them is to demonstrate "otherness", and perhaps even madness. It's off-putting.

If you have a friend who walks backward in a circle at the top of every hour and sings "Every Breath You Take", you will not be that person's friend for long. There's nothing illegal about walking backward. And "Every Breath You Take", while overplayed initially, is actually a pretty darned good song.

But you just don't do that. It's weird. It demonstrates that you fail to understand the basic fabric of 21st Century American culture if you do that. That person may have a host of other great qualities, and they are all probably made moot by that personal tic.

I'm betting that you know people in your life who engage in this type of behavior, although probably on a less "in your face" scale. They are crusaders, martyrs to their own cause, and usually quite tragic.

They thrust their fist to the sky and say "But I'm RIGHT! It's silly and arbitrary to dismiss me just because once per hour I walk backwards, plus the Police ROCK! They're the ones who are being stupid, why should I have to change???"

And I suppose the answer is that they don't have to change. Feel free to be shoved under the rug and ostracized if you like, and sometimes the world needs a good revolution, and then you really need a committed fist-thruster.

But my reply to these tragic cases now goes like this: yes, it is silly and arbitrary to dismiss a comic because it combines two completely ill-fitting pieces into one absurd whole. And yet, that's the way it is. It's equally silly and equally arbitrary to ignore a rule you recognize just because it pleases you to do so.

Pick your battles, I say. Perhaps the point of Glamourpuss is for Sim to stick up a black-and-white middle finger every other month and say to the world "I'm doing it my way, and up your ass if you can't handle it!" And if that's the point, mission accomplished. Congratulations.

If the point is to be heard, absorbed, understood....this is just too weird for life. The presentation is getting in the way of the message. Pick your battles. What is it Kevin Spacey said in Swimming With Sharks?

"If you're not anti-establishment at age 20, you've got no balls. But if you're not a company man at age 30, you've got no brains!" I think the Alex Raymond stuff stands fairly well on its own regardless of where you find it. But the social commentary part? The part where we need to trust that the authorial voice isn't shit nuts as it skewers the culture? Glamourpuss shoots itself in the foot there.

3) Incidentally, some of Sim's shots at feminism in this issue are....dare I say clever?

The back half of the book is set up as a parody of the Facebook privacy issues. Glamourpuss industries develops a "microbeCHIP" that infects all connecting hard drives and ISPs and allows one to tear into a target's account that you want to be "more than friendly" with.

The last 11 pages are Facebook profile pictures of women complete with profile information and the results their use of the MicrobeCHIP.

"Belinda S graduated at the top her class and was immediately appointed CEO of her father's worldwide multinational corporation based solely on merit. After doing that for two weeks she ran for and won a seat in the House of Representatives, ran for President and then switched parties. It was a busy year!"

That's funny to me. The obvious fallacy of "solely on merit", even as it's laid out straight faced is funny. The "two weeks" bit is a nice jab. Of course the obvious retort is to deny the stereotype of the "fickle woman", and yet...there's something there. Isn't there? And it's fairly tolerable to digest when it's done in good fun, and that's the vibe I got from these pages.

Honestly, comics could use a good satire book or seven. I'm not convinced I'm in on all of the jokes, (not exactly sure what all of the Teletubby stuff was in the Bunny Frou Frou bit) but a lot of the Facebook stuff was enjoyable.

Nothing in here seemed as toxic or deadly serious as the "Voids" and "Lights" business back in the day. Is this Dave Sim's letter to the ether declaring that he still feels that world's become a bit too pussified (I'll agree with that) but that he sees the lighter side of it all now? I don't know.

It's tough to know how to process the philosophy of an author who doesn't know that the Alex Raymond bits don't go with the fashion plate bits. How do you know when the guy who walks backwards and sings Sting tunes once an hour is kidding?

- Ryan

Chronic Review: Fear Agent # 28!

Fear Agent # 28
Dark Horse Comics
Script: Rick Remender
Pencils: Mike Hawthorne with Tony Moore
23 pages + 8 pages of "Tales of the Fear Agent" for $3.50

What you are about to read will not actually constitute a review, so just bear with me. I mention it for truth in advertising purposes.

I have a very brief history with Heath Huston. Friend of the show (and just plain old friend of me) Nick was way into this book when it first came out. He was into it with the glazed eyeballs of a man who had clearly discovered something sublime. So I checked it out.

I cannot find the issue of Fear Agent that I read, nor was I able to jog my memory by looking at a gallery of covers. This is how profoundly "meh" I found the book on initial examination.

What I remember was that the hook was kinda cute. An alcoholic space cowboy who hunts down aliens and monsters? Yeah, that works.

Except when I read the issue that I did, whatever that issue was, it really didn't work for me. I don't remember hating it. I don't remember engaging with it strongly at all, which was the big problem.

I attributed the problem to Remender at the time, because I had similar issues with Sea of Red, and I consider his horror mini Sorrow to be a crime against literature. Since then I've rather enjoyed his work on the Punisher, and I decided to take another whack at Fear Agent.

There is a synopsis of past events in the storyline on the inside cover. This is a wonderful tool really every comic book steeped in continuity should use as an aid to help the reader catch up. Every book is some body's first, and all that rot.

As I read through that recap, though, I was convinced that I had made a horrible mistake. As I finished issue # 28, I was able to confirm that I had indeed made a horrible, horrible mistake.

My mistake was not that I read Fear Agent # 28, but that I had failed to read all 27 of the previous issues first. After absorbing what I could of this book, I can tell you that this series kicks about seven shades of demon ass, and really needs to be on your reading list.

So basically what I did was take 84.6% of the fun, suspense, and enjoyment out of the total storyline by reading that recap and watching the very painful plot twists that occurred during this issue. There are major, surprising, delightfully savage plot points spoiled for you if you go that route. The good news is that I still have.....like 15.4% of the enjoyment left. And I very much look forward to experiencing that.

But I will not do to you what reading that recap page did to me. And just for the record, I'm not bitching about the recap. The recap isn't the problem, the problem is that I bailed on the book too early. That's on me.

So what can I tell you about Fear Agent? This is more of a character book than a plot book, but the plot has rewarding twists that you will NOT see coming. Provided you avoid reading recap pages deep into the series.

It is a character book, and Rick Remender takes the worst kind of perverse pleasure in subjecting Heath Huston to the greatest abuse in the history of comics. It's positively EVIL, and also strangely satisfying. This is the book Dave Rancor was born to read, just to absorb the psychic pain coming off the page.

Do not make the mistake of filing Heath Huston in the ridiculous anti-hero box. The problem with most "flawed hero" types is that there's usually no compelling reason in the story to buy into that sort of behavior, and it turns into a degenerate testosterone fantasy. No such problem here, folks.

The dialogue is sharp, sharp like Frank Miller back in the day. Sharp like Azarello on 100 bullets or Aaron on Scalped. And that's pretty darned good.

I can tell you that there are only a few issues of the series left. Rick Remender had a planned ending for the series, and issue # 28 begins the final arc of that. He really cares about this book, too. I know that for sure.

The world of Fear Agent expands in scope and sophistication. There are lots of things you know and take for granted at the beginning that are completely subverted by the time you get to # 28. So I'm telling you that I liked Fear Agent # 28 so much that I'm telling you NOT to go get it. Do yourself a favor and read it from the goddamn beginning, so you can actually enjoy the whole process.

And there endeth the lesson. No pictures, no plot synopsis, no review. I know that sounds like a cheat, but you're just going to have to trust me on this. Or not. Up to you. I say the real cheat is to know too much about it before you start. Or maybe missing it entirely. That would suck, too.

- Ryan

Chronic Flashback: Topps Comic Book Heroes Stickers!

Once upon a time, in a magical era of fairies and elves known as the 1970s....the world was a better place. It just was.

This is the era that brought us Topps Comic Book Heroes stickers. It was 1974-1975. Granted, we were in a state of barely functional retardation as a culture. Shag carpet seemed like a good idea, as did bell-bottomed corduroy pants. The hair was unspeakably unkempt, bushy, and undignified.

Somebody decided it would be a good idea to get really baked and create super hilarious captions for Marvel characters. Kids could then purchase these stickers and laugh uproariously, causing their absurdly bulbous stack of hair to sway wildly. They could then affix these stickers to their school notebook they pretended to do homework in. Said notebook was instead largely filled with crude drawings of male genitalia.

Most of these stickers were quite horrible, like the Medusa example up top. That isn't even unintentionally funny in retrospect. It frankly fills one with an intense desire to find the person responsible and then punch his or her kitten in the face. Just to even the atrocity score, you know? It's bad.

Some of them are mildly tolerable. The Living Mummy hiding M&Ms in one of its hands? That's at least in the ballpark of clever. OK, it might not make the comedy Hall of Fame, but it's a damn sight better than a woman with long hair lamenting the quality of her hair spray. Most of the stickers are more in the Medusa range of quality.

Some of the stickers are downright prophetic. How about the Ghost Rider warning Peter Fonda to look out? Yes, Peter Fonda. Be afraid. Be very afraid. In a little over 20 years you're going to be offered a role in a picture featuring a jellybean swilling Nic Cage. Now that's horror.

Fonda of course did not heed Ghosty's Nostradamic utterings, which is fine I suppose. Every scene he was in as Mephistopholes was actually entertaining. Can't say much for the rest of it. Not even the sublime posterior of Eva Mendez could save that thing. Nor could it salvage The Spirit. What is with poor Eva Mendez? But I digress.

The star of the Topps Comic Book Heroes sticker set is Man-Thing. See, he dropped his soap in the shower.

Yup. This is a sticker series for children using a creature called MAN-THING that references prison rape. And that, folks, is why the 1970s are just better than the present.

That shit would never fly in 2010, and we're worse for it. Kids need to be subjected to a little humor regarding forced anal intercourse. Either they get it, laugh, and become more centered individuals, or they don't get it, and you laugh at them for being naive little shits. And then you feel more centered.

Listen, unsanctioned sodomy is pretty damn funny. It sucks when it happens to you for real, but that's my point, actually. We're so busy in 2010 pretending (at least in front of the children) that life is so fucktastically terrific. It's bullshit. Some of life is great, but sometimes a guy sells you for a pack of Newports and then another guy forces his engorged dong into your rectum.

Kids need to know about that shit. Kids need to take their helmets off once in awhile and face life on its own terms, on real terms. A dose of laughter helps that medicine go down. We understood that in the 1970s, although probably not consciously. We just knew that a giant muck monster dropping the soap was a pretty funny thing, and didn't want the children to be left out. I long for those days...

- Ryan