Fashion Files: The Thomas of Podcasting!

Now, this first shot is horrifying enough.  We've got a St. Cloud State University shirt with a University of MN hat?  No way.

I'm still trying to figure out the track pants.  Is the Thomas of Podcasting trying to demonstrate his athletic superiority?  Somewhere Ralph Lauren is crying, I know that.

But that's not the worst of it.  Almost exactly one hour later, the Thomas of Podcasting enters the same retail establishment again...wearing an entirely different track suit????

What the hell happened in 60 minutes that necessitated a wardrobe change?  It's like a Lady Gaga show, only with more femininity.  Now we've got a Batman shirt and different gray track pants???  I just can't wrap my brain around it.

He also refuses to stop swinging his keys around like a raging key fairy.  What's that all about?

So many questions.  Is there a legitimate excuse for this crime against fashion?  Tune into the latest episode of Chronic Insomnia to find out!

Top Three 80s Cartoon Themes Of All Time!

What do you say we wash the horrible aftertaste of social commentary out of our brains with something important like...

The Top Three 1980s Cartoon Themes Of All Time!

The rules are pretty simple.  The cartoon has to have aired original episodes between 1/1/1980 and 12/31/1989.  We're talking about the theme song, mind you, and not factoring in the quality of the show.  If we factored the show's content, obviously Jem would be the easy winner.  Yeah, I can't even type that with a straight face.

For my purposes, I'm looking for an intro that vaguely captures the show in some way, but also encapsulates the decade that wrought it.  It should be completely processed, cheesy, and soulless.  There ought to be a lot of reverb on the vocals, and should probably remind one of Kenny Loggins.  Despite its complete lack of musical nutrition, the proper 80s cartoon theme should have you mindlessly humming it throughout the day despite yourself.

With those parameters in mind, let's get started!

80s Cartoon Theme # 3:  M.A.S.K 


Masked crusaders, working overtime
fighting crime - FIGHTING CRIME!
Secret raiders, who will neutralize
Soon as they arrive (at the site)


Trakker's gonna lead the mission
And Spectrum's got such super vision
M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!
M.A.S.K.! is the mighty power that can save the day 
M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!
M.A.S.K.!  No one knows what lies behind their masquerades!
M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!
Always riding on V.E.N.O.M.'s trail
Come see their laser rays
Fire away!

This is a quintessential 80s theme song, threatening to take over the top spot with it's mechanized "m-m-m-M.A.S.K." buried in there about 35 times.  It gets points for avoiding the lengthy voice over exposition that so many 80s tunes indulged in.  We get everything we need to know from the developmentally challenged lyrics - you've got guys with masks and lasers fighting against V.E.N.O.M.  They even incorporated a couple of main characters and told you the legally bare minimum about them.

It's a deceptively efficient musical vehicle, actually.  While the synthesizer is acceptably over-processed, cheesy, and simple to the point where DEVO thinks they could add some depth to it, there is a distinct lack of 80s guitar here that drags it down to # 3.

Honestly, if they would have added a little axe to this tune, this could be the king of all 80s cartoon themes.  The show is absolute rubbish. (It was a horribly derivative amalgam of the already wildly popular GI Joe and Transformers) I defy you to get this out of your head after a single spin, though.  You can't do it.  Also, I'm not 100% sure about the lyrics.  At the end, it almost sounds like the words are "no one knows what lies behind their M.A.S.K. charades", which would be even more asinine and probably make me feel more fondly yet.  If anyone has an opinion on what the lyrics actually are, feel free to chime in on the comments section.

80s Cartoon Theme # 2:  Galaxy Rangers!

Voice over:
In 2086, two peaceful aliens
journey to earth seeking our help


In return they gave us the plans
for our first hyper drive,
allowing mankind to open
the doors to the stars


We have assembled a team
of unique individuals
to protect earth and its allies -


Courageous individuals committed
to the highest ideals of justice
and dedicated to preserving law
and order across the new frontier!


These are the adventures of the Galaxy Rangers!


Song
Somewhere in the future, far away from here
Trouble is waiting on the last frontier


Into these worlds of unknown danger they ride
They're the Galaxy Rangers - heroes in the sky!


No guts no glory, no pain no gain
Once for all, and all for one, riders on the range


No guts no glory, we're taking a stand
Ready to prove it again


No guts no glory!

Holy Chockatolleez, that is one badass 80s tune!  It's got all the cliched trappings of the Reagan Era; guts, glory, taking stands, proving that shit to whatever crosses your spurs - it's perfect!

Almost.  Almost perfect.  The actual cartoon intro is a little too voice over heavy, and they chop the actual complete theme into something less than savory when you watch the shows.  The outro is actually better than the intro, and just the theme song on its own is the absolute best.  If you listen to the Galaxy Rangers theme, you are going to want to strap a cap pistol to your waist and go kick some Cobra Kai ass.

The song is catchy, and it features a good amount of classic 80s guitar, supplemented with a dash of highly processed synthesizer.  The lyrics are dirt simple, convey the spirit of the show, and absolutely laden with the American monomyth spirit.  This is a song that you could easily jam out to on the ol' Walkman, and in fact is so delicious it is only surpassed by the most perfect mixture of 80s gestalt ever created....

80s Cartoon Theme # 1:  Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors!

Voice over:
Thundering across the stars
to save the universe from the Monster Minds,
Jayce searches for his father to unite
the magic root and lead his Lightning League to victory
over the changing form of Sawboss


Wheeled Warriors explode into battle!
Lightning strikes!


Song
There's a power that comes
from deep inside of you
'Cause every day you're reaching toward the light


And you know there's a long,
long way ahead of you
But when your wheels get you there
things will turn out right


Just keep em' turning, don't stop rolling,
the fire is on!  (Wheeled Warriors!)
Battle drums burning - wheels movin'
Wheeled Warriors!  (Wheeled Warriors!)
Cause we can just keep 'em turning, don't stop rolling,
the fire is on! (Wheeled Warriors!)
Battle drums burning - wheels movin'
Wheeled Warriors!  (Wheeled Warriors!)

Oh MAN, this song could not be more awesomely 80s if it jammed a Rubik's cube up the ass of its pinned up pinstripe pants!

Wheeled Warriors has it all - it's got the 80s cartoon voice over, but it doesn't take up all the space, and it's really goddamn weird to boot.  Nobody could cap that with "lightning strikes!" except a 1980s voice over guy.  It sounds like the synthesizer and drums came from a Casio SK1, and the guitar is pure over-processed soulless garbage.  Love it!

Your best 80s cartoon theme should sound like Whitesnake actually wrote it, but was too embarrassed to own up.  Mission accomplished!  It almost sounds like Coverdale wailing that chorus, doesn't it?  Awesome.  Once again, you've got that 1980s "can do" American spirit going, where there's some shining star inside your chest that will surely prevail against against any foe, provided you just keep your damn wheels rolling.

I can't imagine a song that better captures the bizarre, catchy, aggressive, we're-not-taking-ourselves-incredibly-seriously-because-our-big-bad-is-named-Sawboss 1980s.  What you have to understand is that it isn't good music.  There's nothing nutritional about it.  This is the Twinkie of theme songs.  And yet, you will not be able to stop this tune from penetrating your every thought for the next fortnight.  You'll hate yourself for eating that Twinkie, but you can't deny it.

Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors:  the GREATEST cartoon theme song of the 1980s!

- Ryan

Honorable mentions:  Thundercats, Robotix, Inhumanoids, Defenders of the Earth

Can Someone Get Me Off This Planet, Please? Episode # 1,793: White Guilt

So, I don't even know why I do this any more, but I'm looking at CBR and see that Comics Should Be Good decided to review all 52 of the new DC books.  I decided to take a peek mostly because I'm leaning toward trying out Supergirl but I'd like a couple of outside opinions before I plunk down the money for it.  Fine.

Greg Burgas reviews the books, and then at the bottom of each review, and I swear to you I'm not making this up, he fucking counts speaking parts for minority characters.  As though that were something any healthy human would be interested in.  As though that were something anybody wanted, needed.  As though that were beneficial in any way. 

Someday you'll atone, Greg

And just so you know, a couple of minorities get top billing, and the rest of us can go fuck ourselves, I guess.  If you're black, or hispanic, or have a uterus, or you're known to be gay - than you ma'am, are a precious commodity.  You get your own count.  Now, I'm a white guy, so I'm tallied as well, but not for the same reasons.  As usual, I'm the unspoken but well understood evil mastermind holding the rest of you back, which is why the counting is necessary, right? 

I'm pretty used to that bullshit, by the way, so that's not really what has me upset.  I just don't understand what the Burgas agenda is.  Was it mandated that way from an editor?  I guess he thinks somewhere out there Immanuel Kant is collecting karma tokens for him, and maybe this will help pay off some of the evil he was saddled with when he had the audacity to be born white.  Who can say?

I don't know if he recognizes how pointless, counter-productive, and ridiculous it is to spotlight a couple of sects worthy of our current pity and attention, while the rest get prodded into the "other" cattle car.  If you're Jewish?  Fuck you, your pain don't rate.  You're in the "other" box.  American Indian?  Nah, that's old news.  The ol' Trail of Tears goes in the "other" crate, with the rest of the has-beens of Pity City. 

SUPER.

How about fat people?  Nope.  Fuck you, too.  We're hyper focused on race, sexuality, and gender at the moment, so if you'd just be a sweetie and park your fat ass in the "other" box for now?  If you can fit, I mean.  Thanks.  Thanks so much.  I doubt Burgas was even counting fat people when he did his charting.  He must be a raging Body Typist, (insert horror here!) and I a very holy figure for mentioning it.  Yes, that sounds right.

The whole thing is so ludicrous, and tired, and weak, and banal, and is it getting us anywhere?  I think I could live with being The Real Bad Guy every day of my life if I thought it might make a difference.

Not Super - DCs rampant glassesism!

How about people with glasses?  I don't remember too many of those in my new 52s.  I guess Clark Kent does, but when he goes Super, he's glasses free.  Shit.... I wear glasses.  Does that mean that I'm not super?  Is DC telling me that I'm not super in their super secret agenda of hate and intolerance? Am I under-represented as well?  Could I... please be a victim, too, huh? HUH?   Please?  Please?  PLEASE CAN I?  I'd like to paint myself as a victim like everybody else, that sounds ever so healthy.

Let me get this straight.  The operating philosophy is that we'd like to create a world which recognizes only the sublime ineffable special snowflake inside of us, and leave that extraneous and superfluous skin stuff behind.  How shall we create that world?  I know - lets hyper-obsess over the extraneous and superfluous skins stuff, and count speaking parts for a handful of Premier Gold Club minorities!  That should work, right?  I mean, we didn't completely subvert our entire philosophy by jamming attention into the exact area we claim to disavow, did we?  Oh...we did?  Ah.  Shit.

You can't do that chart right, folks.  In order to do it right, you have to shed your crocodile tears for all the minorities, and what will become painfully obvious in the process is that everybody is a fucking minority for some reason or another.  Life sucks.  Things are tough all over.  You don't like it?  Good!  That's called....wait for it....being human.  I'm human, too.  I know that's hard to recognize over my vitriol and the fact that you've been trained from the cradle to hate me, and I've been trained from the cradle to hate myself.

It's not helping.  White Guilt sounds awfully good until you get to the fine print where it doesn't work.  DC isn't keeping you down, folks.  Can we let that ridiculous fantasy go, please?  In 2011, DC will give you whatever you will buy, in whatever flavor.  That's the truth.  Buy the books you like and stop making check marks and putting people into stupid boxes, will you?  You're killing me over here.  Yeesh.   

- Ryan

Chronic Review: Rachel Rising # 2!

Rachel Rising # 2

Abstract Studio

Script/Pencils:    Terry Moore

(Basically) 18 pages for $3.99

Rachel Rising is the story of a girl who wakes up in the ground.  She's pretty, she's pretty sure she's dead, she's pretty sure somebody made her that way on purpose, and she's pretty sure she wants to figure out who did the deed.  It's a horror mystery, and as horror mysteries go, it seems to be a pretty darned good one.


This is all Terry Moore, of course, because everything is what he does.  Robyn Moore (I'm assuming his wife?) is listed with a publisher credit, but the rest is Mr. Terry Moore, and you just don't see that much these days.  Erik Larsen on Savage Dragon, yup.  (If he's not doing everything, it's awfully close)  Dave Sim, sure, but he's not monthly at this stage in his career, not that I'm suggesting he should be.  You crank out the longest sustained narrative possibly in the history of fiction...you can work at your own pace without hearing any bitching from the Layla Miller of podcasting.

My point is that I can't help but hold a reserve of respect and admiration for Moore's work, because what he's doing is very rare and I have to assume arduous.  That probably shouldn't play into how I perceive the narrative on the page, though.  I shouldn't, but I think it does.  I'm just announcing that fact as an attempt to play fair with the reader and announce my probable bias, and you can do with that what you will.

So we have poor dead Rachel, or do we?  At least some folks can see her, and when they do, they claim she isn't Rachel.  And we don't know for sure that she's dead, but she pretty much has to be.  Rachel doesn't think she's dead, though.  She doesn't behave much like a ghost, either.  She can get inside her Aunt Johnny's car and physically grab him, for example.  She's got scars around her neck.  Nothing is exactly clear at this point, which is precisely as it should be in the second installment of a murder mystery, or you've failed at the mystery part.

Aunt Johnny is a bit of a nut, and in fact everyone in the comic is eccentric in some way.  When Rachel first visits Johnny at the Underwood Mortuary, he presumes her to be a figment of his imagination, yet has a lengthy conversation without a blip.  Over in the B plot there's a little girl named Zoe.  I won't ruin how deep her eccentricity runs, but I will say you might be surprised how creepy a grade schooler can get with nothing sharper than a roll or plastic wrap.

Rachel Rising is quirky, character driven, surprising, and ominous.  These are all good things to be.  If I were to nitpick, I might critique the actual volume of content presented.  The first page is mostly black, with a woodsy silhouette and an Edward Munch quote.  The back page was essentially credits.  In between 18 pages of black and white story.  I think $3.99 is a lot to pay for 18 pages of narrative, but if you put it on the satisfaction scale, I wouldn't say I felt cheated.

Rachel Rising # 2 introduced the character of Aunt Johnny with some depth and craft.  We know a lot about his world view, and how the relationship between he and Rachel works and has worked in the past.  We know that he does embalming work, and from him we know several discomforting historical facts about where Rachel was buried.  Every nugget of every panel feels like it has some portent to the bigger picture, and as I passed through the panels I found myself making a mental inventory of flash facts to fill in the blanks for later.  It's a good comic that makes you do that, and an efficient one.  Plenty happened in the "limited" space available.

Do not mess with Zoe.  Trust me.

It's hard to tell right now what the B plot with Zoe has to do with the A plot, but it certainly provided a stunner toward the end!  The danger in writing an extended mystery is to allow the reader to feel that things are dragging, that the "real action" is further down the road, and that time is being wasted with filler until the main course is served.

Not so in either of the first two issues of Rachel Rising.  As I read this title, I don't get the sense that these issues are dangled empty carrots in front of a one trick pony.  The pony appears capable of doing tricks every month.  I'm trying right now to compare it to something, and I'm having difficulty.  May, perhaps?  I'm thinking of May because it's mostly about people, but there's an undercurrent of skin crawling involved.  The comparison doesn't feel quite right, though, probably because none of the menace is emanating from Rachel herself.  For now.  Anything feels possible in this book, which is solidly horror without question, but not a strictly gruesome.  Nothing is allowed to quite feel "safe" in this comic, if that makes any sense.  And if that's your brand of chills, than you need to ask your retailer to order Rachel Rising, because unfortunately the odds are good they aren't doing it otherwise. 

- Ryan

Market Spotlight!

It's been too long, Cabin Weekend really derailed blogging and my prep for Chronic Insomnia # 205.  Oh well, on with the show!  Some items that have recently caught my attention:

Conan HC Vol 0:  Born on the Battlefield
ISBN:     159307980X
SRP:        $24.95
Amazon min:    $45/$80

This is a really strong opportunity, because these Conan books fit a very predictable pattern, and there's a history of earners from this particular line of books.  It's the usual story, where a niche but fervent audience seeks out the best and most desirable material.  Hardcovers are nice but expensive, which works in a Gamers favor both ways.  People want the material the most, but retailers are less apt to order it, because it entails more financial risk.

If you've got an exceptional copy, I don't think $75 is out of the question, which puts you in that very cozy 3:1 profit/entry ratio I'm always looking for.  I really don't even mind 2:1 on this one, for a couple of reasons.  First, I'm extra confident I can make a sale on this product.  Secondly, I think the odds are good that even if I'm 2:1 now, I'll be better than that by Christmas.

Here's a little tip:  come holiday season, your higher priced items pop with ease.  It's often necessary to slash prices in summer, but when somebody absolutely has to have that deluxe signed Spawn slipcase for their husband, they will pay the going rate for fresh, quality product.

Just as an aside, your earners now for that Conan HC series are volume 0,1, and 4.  Volume 4, Hall of the Dead is especially in demand right now.  I think you can score $100 or more with that book currently.

JLA Titans: Technis Imperative
ISBN:           1563895633
SRP:             $12.95
Amazon min: $15/$40


I haven't sold this book yet, so I'm not sure if I trust it yet.  It certainly looks good on paper, though.  It's certainly got age in its favor as a 1999 release.  Many items from the mid-to-late 90s eventually crawl into some form of profitability.

As I type this, the money seems to be tucked into the high end of the condition spectrum, which is not unusual. If I saw this at my LCS in really nice shape, I'd feel comfortable paying cover.  Hell, I'd feel comfortable paying cover for just about any TPB in great shape from 1999.  They're hard to find, and increasingly preferred collectibles.  I snap up any old collected edition if I see if its in pristine condition, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to retire on my CGC graded editions.  More on that in a bit.

Doom Patrol Vol 4:  Musclebound
ISBN:      1401209998
SRP:        $19.99
Amazon min:    $35/$40

So, we covered The Painting That Ate Paris a couple weeks ago, and that has certainly worked out.  I bought a copy of Volume 2 a few days ago for $18, posted it for $50, and it sold inside of six hours.  It's really quite odd that DC has let these modern classics go out of print, but I certainly advocate taking advantage of the situation for the (I'm guessing) brief window of opportunity available.

The thesis is pretty simple.  Doom Patrol is a Grant Morrison favorite.  It's probably never going to land on the Diamond Top 300 chart again, (unless somebody makes a movie?) but a steady stream of emerging Morrisonites are going to be interested.  If they can't find the book at their LCS or Barnes & Noble, it's feeding frenzy time.  And that's what we've got going right now.

Musclebound is currently sitting at around the $40 mark, which is only 2:1, but I think it's such an easy sell right now it's probably worth it.  Again, check in periodically to see where supply is at on Amazon.  If things really dry up, I can see something like this commanding $100 until DC finally wakes up and goes back to press.

My Retirement Fund
I've been experimenting with sending books to CGC for grading.  When I started, I wasn't even sure that they'd accept them, and I was deathly afraid that they'd reject anything thicker than a four issue collection.

What I've discovered is that CGC readily accepts trade paperbacks, and the holders are able to deal with some fairly thick editions.  I'm not crazy enough to send them anything as extreme as say, X-Men: Zero Tolerance, which is thick as a phone book.  But I sent them Avengers: Under Siege, which is a bit of a monster, and they graded it without complaint.

I should honestly keep my mouth shut on the issue, because I'm giving away some pretty powerful milk for free, while simultaneously creating my own competition.  The problem is that I am in the words of Malcolm Gladwell, a Maven.  So I just can't help myself.  I'm going to retire on the profits secured sending my high end trade paperbacks to CGC, and if you're smart, you can as well.

It's really a perfect storm of opportunity.  When released, these books were not perceived as collectible, and as a consequence very little survives of any age that isn't dog-eared.  Just sitting on a shelf is often hard work for these books.  The perception of TPBs has shifted to the point where it's obvious to anybody paying attention that they are the preferred format of a strong and growing segment of the comics market, and they are just now beginning to ascend as collectibles.

Start cherry-picking now, folks.  Anything old with sharp corners, a nice spine, and lays flat will work.  It's better if it's a Batman book, and it's better if it's a first print/first edition.  I'll say this about my grading results from CGC - they're very fair, and I'm a tougher grader than they are.  I used to feel bad about posting my trades on Amazon as "new" unless they were pristine.  What I recognize now is that I shouldn't have been selling those books, I should have been grading them.

I just sent my four best copies of Miracleman vol 1-4, and earned a pair of 9.6 grades, one 9.4, and one 9.2 for my copy of Olympus.  Now, Miracleman is a pretty known commodity at this point.  It's also well known in 2011 that the TPBs are even more scarce and collectible than the floppies, because the legal issues appear to have halted the printing press on more collections.

But if you look at the CGC census, you'll notice that Miracleman # 1, which is not particularly scarce, and not particularly valuable, has been graded no less than 460 times.  The first collected edition, Dream of Flying, has been graded a grand total of 4 times.  Friends, Romans, Gamers - we are WAY ahead of the curve on this one.

I've just received my copy of Dream of Flying back with a CGC 9.6 mark.  I don't really know what that's "worth", because the market is in its infancy.  I know this - if you offered me $1,000 for it, I wouldn't take the money.  Mind you, I'm not claiming I could get more for it at present on the open market.  Frankly, I think the open market is currently too stupid to know what it's looking at.  I'm saying that I think it's worth far more than $1,000 in less than 10 years, and it's harder for me to find a high grade copy of that book than it is to keep the one I've got.  But it can be done.

Keep looking for those shiny, perfect little trades.  Get them graded.  Nobody else is doing this right now, bless their hearts.  Now is the time.  Happy hunting!

- Ryan

Chronic Review: Swamp Thing # 1

Swamp Thing # 1

DC Comics

Script:     Scott Snyder

Pencils:   Yanick Paquette

22 pages for $2.99

Let's open with the stock of the soup: the new Swamp Thing is more keenly interested in Alec Holland than it has been since "The Anatomy Lesson", and that's going back about 30 years.  The man and the creature are separate, at least for now.  There is a Swamp Thing, it isn't Alec Holland, (at least for now) and he claims he never was Swamp Thing.  If we're going with the Alan Moore revamp, (and we certainly appear to be) that's all correct and expected.

In the New 52 edition, Alec Holland woke up six weeks ago cold and alone in a swamp six weeks ago.  He's currently doing construction work, which is a curious choice for a botanist. These are tough times, though, and Holland appears eager to let his past go.  Sort of.  The past has a way of creeping up on you, and while Alec might prefer in some part of his brain to leave everything behind, he's got a bottle of his completed bio-restorative formula, and he's left with odd reverberations of an attraction to a white-haired woman he's never met.  Plus, his Swamp Thing connection makes him important enough to earn a meeting with Superman.  Membership to Club Weird has its perks.

Here's some things I loved about the new Swamp Thing:

Plants Are Dicks

It's the little things that count.  Snyder has Holland describe the quietly violent nature of plants.  They choke out other plants.  The invade, they take over, and they pillage just as aggressively as any animal.  They simply do it with a lot less noise, so it tends to go unnoticed. 

These are the tiny gifts that Scott Snyder offers up in all of his work, and it pays off on two levels.  Directly, as you read it, it makes the book more interesting.  Does it work to strap cabbage to an arthritic knee?  Hell if I know.  But I bet it's at least plausible, and it's the kind of thing a botanist might think of that I would not.  It's called world-building, and it's called establishing voice, and that gets me to the second benefit.

When a writer takes the time to do a little research and then applies it to the story in an organic fashion, it heightens the ability of the reader to fall in.  Ultimately, comics ask a lot of its victims.  We are required to take some astonishing leaps in order to invest in these wildly improbable situations and characters.  What we need to get over that believability hump is to have faith that there is a conductor at the wheel, a skilled driver with an objective in mind and the goods to get you there.  Neil Gaiman is the best I've ever seen at presenting the presence of a skilled conductor.  Nick Spencer has some of that in him.  Scott Snyder's even better than Spencer, though.

Plants are dicks.  We know this because Alec Holland teaches it, in his thoughts and actions, and it's seeping through the tone of the book, which is in point of fact, quite dark.

This Is A Moore-Inspired Horror Book

Swamp Thing resides in the DCU proper now, but make no mistake - this is a Vertigo horror title.  It's a horror book, and a worthy successor to what Alan Moore laid down before in terms of tone and sophistication, and style.

The comic opens with expository captions that cut to the tone of the action, not the plot.  There's a malevolent wave of foreboding tension throughout, where Swamp Thing stands as a tiny buffer/conduit plugging a massive dyke of vegetative ass whup.  Snyder even apes Moore's old technique of mirrored transitions.  A red maelstrom inexplicably picks up a mastodon skeleton as the captions read "no good".  A panel later, Alec Holland pitches a piece of timber while declaring it "no good."

  Like Animal Man, Swamp Thing knows exactly where its legend was born.  Back when Alan Moore was changing the way modern mainstream comics were written, Swamp Thing wore the crown "Sophisticated Suspense!" on its brow.  That's what Snyder is aiming for with this title. 

Yanick Paquette Makes Everything Beautiful

I generally don't comment on the art, because I don't feel qualified.  So really all I can tell you is that I found everything between these covers to be....beautiful.  Strikingly so.  Even the ugly stuff is beautiful.

Some of the facial storytelling is eerily life-like.  I don't know if Paquette is using photo reference or not, maybe his imagination is photo-reference quality.  The people in these panels feel "real", for lack of a better word, with the exception of the Superman bits in the middle of the book.  I do know that Paquette is knocking out these visuals on a Cintiq, though.  How do I know that?  Because like all self-respecting comic book aficionados, I listened to him explain his process on episode # 162 of Where Monsters Dwell.  But I digress.

Swamp Thing is smart, creepy, and lavishly illustrated.  The first issue made plants interesting, for God's sake.  I want to know why animals are dropping dead in clumps, I want to know why supernatural forces are interested in mastodon skeletons and torturing scientist at the dig.  I'm interested in the new relationship between Alec Holland, Swamp Thing, and where the heck Abby might be.  How can I ask for more than that?

- Ryan 

Chronic Review: Green Lantern # 1!

Green Lantern # 1

DC Comics

Script:      Geoff Johns

Pencils:     Doug Mahnke

22 pages for $2.99

Where to start with these?  I've got a lot of muddled thoughts about the New 52 books, almost all of them are positive, which causes me some consternation.  Partly because I'm never comfortable being comfortable, and partly because it sometimes feels to me that I'm letting some things slide for DC that I'm not for Marvel.  Perhaps it's best to just talk about the book at hand and then bring in the background noise as it seems warranted.

Truth is I loved Green Lantern #1, warts and all.  I brought some baggage with me as a previous reader of the Old Green Lantern book, and some of it got in the way, but none of it was deal-breaking for me.  Here's an example of what I'm talking about.

Carol Ferris Has Done An Abrupt About Face

During Blackest Night and the Green Lantern War that followed, I was really impressed with the way Johns was portraying Carol.  Yes, she was in that ridiculously revealing Sapphire suit, but inside...she was evolving into quite the badass.  When Hal would make whiny little overtures at her, she would tell him to take a cold shower.  While everyone else was riddled with doubt and whinging about what to do about all these damn Black Lanterns and power battery entities, Carol Ferris took charge, took command of her corps, and generally positioned herself as the character most worthy of respect in the title.  That was then.

This is now, and this is Carol Ferris claiming she hasn't slipped the ring on her finger since returning to earth, and doesn't plan to.  And this is Carol Ferris getting over-emotional on dinner dates because Hal asked her for a co-sign on a car loan instead of her hand in marriage.  That's not just different...that's a character arc diametrically opposed to her path just 30 days ago.  It's probably a less interesting path, too.  I liked Bad Ass Carol.  A lot.

So what to do about it?  I guess the question is: what is the social contract we signed off on?  What did DC promise us, and have they fulfilled said promises?  My understanding is that DCs offer was a new beginning with a limited offer on prior continuity.  The base contract was:  overhaul.  We're starting a new ground floor, and letting everybody in.  As a bone to the rather tweaky and inbred established audiences, they promised that certain old elements would remain in canon.  In particular, Green Lantern was cited as a book that would maintain much of its continuity, including Blackest Night and such.

So if an established reader wants to feel betrayed by this overtly contradictory character portrayal, I honestly couldn't fight them on it.  If it feels to you like the contract has been broken, you have a legitimate case.  I like to read reviews over at the Savage Critics, and for most of the new DC books you can just feel the pain of Brian Hibbs peeling off the screen.  "Waitaminute - you said you were keeping these stories intact!  How the hell does this work?"

So I understand the sentiment, even if I don't share it.  And I don't share it.  I rationalize it like so - to me, the main thrust of the new contract between DC and its readership was a fresh start.  They spun a story of kept continuity so as not set an already irascible pack of miscreants over the top with rage.  I'm sure some elements of the old continuity are still in place, but frankly, I don't give a damn if they are or not.

The Difference Between Marvel and DC
Here's the critical difference between my perception of DCs continuity "gaffes" and Marvel's:  intent.  I think Geoff Johns pulled a switcheroo on Carol Ferris because this was the place to make a fresh break, it was a place intended to serve as an introduction to new readers, and I believe those changes were made to make a more compelling/traditional romance between Hal and Carol.  Now,  I may not be in love with that change, but maybe Johns is correct.  Maybe it's more interesting for that new audience to see a Carol Ferris that still isn't a complete pushover, but it is obviously pining for the guy.  It's more of a Moonlighting vibe than what we were getting before, which was a Carol Ferris who really didn't appear interested.

When I see DC making changes now, I interpret them as making a clean break in an attempt to reach new people, and I am all in on that.  When I see Marvel send Wolverine to hell and none of the 13 other books he appears in each month seem to acknowledge that, I see it as a group of editorially lazy fucks who know they can get away with it.  Perhaps I'm naive about all of this, but that's my perception.  Rationally, I recognize that much of DCs promises regarding kept continuity were empty, counter-productive spin.  But emotionally, I don't feel betrayed because idea was, duh, this is a New 52, and sometimes Carol Ferris is going to act in a blatantly contradictory manner so we can play a more traditional "will they/won't they" romance game.  Here's what I'm looking for out of the New 52 books - are they interesting?

And Green Lantern surely is.  Hal's been de-ringed by the Guardians for conduct unbecoming, (never mind that his conduct saved everyone's asses) and he's doing even worse back home.  Ferris can't insure him so he's out of a job, the bills are piling up, and it's not easy to gear down to Coast City cruising speeds when you've been in space protecting sector 2814.

Hal simply doesn't fit in anywhere any more, as evidenced by Hal's very heroic dive from a 7th story window to save a damsel in distress.  The damsel being a paid actress, of course.  Hal didn't save anybody, he just cost a film crew their take.  I think it's appropriate to look at a scene like that and say "Aw, C'MON, MAN!"  There is suspension of disbelief, and then there's this.  But you know what?  It's incredibly unlikely, but it was also fun.  The point was to demonstrate how Hal's Space Cop instincts just don't serve him well as a regular Joe.  Mission accomplished.

While Hal Jordan is getting drummed out of the corps, Sinestro is being shoe-horned back in.  He's essentially forced to recite the oath on a plank, and sent back to his home sector to regulate.  What he finds is that his Yellow Lantern cronies have been subjugating his people, not providing order.  This will simply not do.

So what we're left with is a new playing field where Hal is in pariah mode, and Sinestro is in similar straights, and the only people who can really relate is each other.  And Sinestro's got a plan (of course he does) to put both of them back on top, if Hal will play ball.  He almost certainly will, and because of that, I'm instantly excited about not just Green Lantern # 2, but probably the next six months.  This is fun.  This is what comics are supposed to be.

Notice that the juice doesn't lie in a banner across the top of the book, or a character death, or a ridiculous resurrection, or tying into other titles, or some manufactured eventy type villain.  The juice, as always, lies inside the natural repercussions of story action.  When you've got two enemies disgraced and marginalized by the same group of bureaucratic ass hats, sometimes they put aside their differences to fuck shit up together.  Now that's a story. 

- Ryan