That Pain Down There? The Price of Your Comic

On our last show we talked about Rich Johnston's research into the price of comic books as compared to the rate of U.S. inflation. He took the going rate for a copy of Amazing Spider-Man for the past 30 years and demonstrates conclusively that our current funnybooks are a LOT more pricey than they used to be.

Has the quality improved? Sure, I'll say dramatically. I'd say the two most significant changes are in the quality of the paper and the coloring. And while paper costs have risen, the cost of technology goes down as it's integrated. I think looking at the chart it's probably reasonable to be charging $2.00 for a comic book. We're looking at paying DOUBLE that.

Click here to look at the chart under the heading "How Bucking Much?"

- Ryan

Who's Who?

Here are some interesting photos our good friend Nick suggested we put up here for a laugh. I worked some photoshop magic (very little actually) and here we go. First we have Nick and Rob Reiner and then we see Ryan with Orson Wells.



Michael

Ryan eating Twinkies!

This is how healthy we eat just before the show. As you can see Ryan sort of enjoys the twinkies a little more than he actually should.

Michael

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

So read the sign outside of hell when good ol' Dante approached, and it should also be plastered in bold print on the cover of the must read comic book of 2008: Crossed.

Let's break it down nice and simple: Crossed is the most brutal and horrifying book I've ever had in my mitts. Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows have created a world gone mad, and utterly chilling in it's proximity to the world we already live in.

Ennis isn't re-inventing the wheel here. Walking Dead has already trodden this ground, and I would think the film 28 Days Later is an even closer cousin. Where Crossed sets itself apart is in the unflinching nature of its execution. This is Walking Dead with the governor off. This is 28 Days Later with more pathos. And it hurts to read. It's that good.

Crossed tells the story of a global level apocalypse. Significant portions of the population have mysteriously transformed into "The Crossed"; enraged, homicidal barely-humans who seek nothing other than the maim and torture of everything they once were.

They are called The Crossed because of the tell-tale "criss-cross" scarring that appears on the faces of the infected. While issue # 1 makes no explicit polemic against religion, it isn't hard to see it there. Crossed turns the entire planet into Denmark after Muhammed was depicted in an editorial cartoon. The zealots are out for blood, and they mean to have it.

The dialogue feels spot-on and the characters act as we would expect them to; depressed, angry, paranoid. The group is searching for hope, searching for answers. One character (who looks amusingly similar to John Byrne now that I think about it) hypothesizes that salt is a kind of kryptonite for The Crossed. The discussion the group engages in on that subject feels real, the emotions feel pure. That hypothesis gets tested in the first issue- read it to find out if John Byrne was right.

Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight raised similar issues about the state of mankind and the viability of nihilism. Nolan answered the challenge with hope. The Joker was wrong. Crossed appears to be heading in a different direction. Abandon hope all ye who enter here - but for God's sake don't miss it.

Breasticles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch!

This is the story of Stanley DeMcMacsonianovskivich, an average bloke working a dead end job and looking for a way out. After years and years of typing the same form letter he finally has enough. Stanley comes up with the brilliant idea that you should work at what you love. He thinks about this long and hard and comes to the realization that he loves breasts. All kinds of them. Small ones, large ones, limp ones, firm ones and even old ones. This is supposed to be the big punch line in the book I think. Ha ha so funny.

Stanley decides to open his own business of custom bras. This is another of those moments in the book where I think I am suppose to give out one of those huge belly laughs....well I didn't. His business takes off and women come from all around to have this fat lumpy bloke squeeze, tug and measure their breasts. The sad thing about this comic is that is the main story line and we are all supposed to be laughing by this point, watching him help these poor women out with their sad stories about how their breasts are too big, or too small or whatever. IT'S NOT FUNNY!

Stanley makes tons of money throughout the next few years, hiring more employees and expanding into a new building. This is where the big climax is. When you hear how lame this is, you might want to shoot yourself, but let me assure you it's not as bad hearing about it, as it is READING THE FUCKING THING!

When the 1960's come around women start to burn their bras, HOLY SHIT! How funny is that? NOT AT ALL REALLY! Well women stop buying his bras and he goes out of business. He ends up down at the bar drinking himself blind for a few months and then he decides to kill himself, which was a thought I had after reading this comic, and he succeeds.

Here is the giant super funny ending we have all been waiting for. He kills himself and somehow ends up in heaven but I can look past that I guess. I looked past all the parts that were supposed to make me laugh so what's new? Anyways he arrives in heaven and all these bare breasted angels are sitting around having an argument over not being able to get a good breast massage up in heaven. Stanley smiles and tells the angels that he could help them out and we are lead to believe that he is going to spend the rest of eternity massaging beautiful angel breasts. WHOA SO FUCKING FUNNY! I nearly pissed myself from laughing so hard.

So what kind of funny book is this? Well I can tell you, it's a terribly UNFUNNY funny book. There are actually no laugh out loud moments in the whole thing. I should have guessed from the guy who brought us all Rugrats and The Wild Thornberrys, both of those comedy gold. Robert Goodin is an okay writer, but he's NOT funny at all in this book. The drawings are fucking terrible and the jokes are worse than those brought out in "Marvel Apes". Tek Jansen is fucking Eddie Murphy compared to this book.

This was the biggest waste of $4 I have had this year. I even liked "Cable" #1 better than this piece of feces. Don't waste your money, time or sanity on this book. If you want something really funny go out and get yourself a copy of "Harry Johnson" if you want a few laugh out loud moments in a comedy Comic Book. This was a pile of shit plain and simple.

What's more is that this guy can really draw women and their breasts...and it's funny as hell.

After reading this 32 page story I found there were two other stories in the back of the book. Both of them very unfunny, but still a shit ton funnier than "The Man Who Loved Breasts". I won't bore you with the details and the titles of these stories, because honestly I have tried to purge my mind of this whole book. One of them had a quaint idea it tried to pull off for five or so pages which should have been two tops. A man goes into a Sperm bank (already funnier than TMWLB) and has to jack himself off in the booth but when offered a magazine to use for inspiration, he has a strange fetish for looking at amputee porn. Now I found this actually pretty funny, at least the idea of it, well that's because mentally I am 12, but it's poorly executed. First thing is the GUY behind the counter at the Sperm Bank should have been a women and if I were writing it, she would have been missing a leg or something, that would have made for a much more interesting read in my mind, and a hell of a lot funnier.

The second story is about a kid cartoonist who somehow travels back in time and is brought before the King to try and prove he's really from the future. The kid tells the King about all the advancements in the future and the King is impressed. He offers the kid a chance to stay out of the dungeons by telling him about these advancements. The King asks him about gunpowder, medicine and various other things and the cartoonist/writer can't tell him how any of them work, so he's thrown into the dungeon anyways. This story isn't funny at all either, but at least it has a more original story line than the main story. I guess he's trying to say that cartoonist are fucking stupid idiots that know nothing of the world around them. I can see why he thinks that way, Robert Goodin is fucking clueless as to what is funny that's for sure.

Storyline - 1.5 I give it an extra .5 because I have to admit the title made me pick it up.

Artwork - 1, It's terrible looking. They should have gotten someone who understands the female body to draw all these breasts. A little color would have worked too.

Michael

Let's Play: "Where's My Dignity?"

Folks, it's time for America's favorite new game show: Wheres My Dignity??? Three legendary comic creators saw their signature creations come to a recent close and marshalled a "comeback" this year.

It's quite clear that all three are embarrassing themselves and soiling their legacy with these new atrocities. The only question that remains is: which former icon has flushed their reputation the worst and left muttering to themselves "where's my dignity"?

Let's take a closer look at our contestants: Terry Moore, Jeff Smith, and Dave Sim.




Contestant # 1: Terry Moore

Claim to Fame: Strangers in Paradise

This comic book "chick flick" broke all the rules and found a die-hard audience without capes, powers, swords, or sorcery. Moore essentially made a soap opera into a comic book franchise that ran from 1993 - 2007. He inexplicably found a way to make readers care about a character named Katchoo. (Bless you) Very impressive

The New Book: Echo, Abstract Studios

Why It Sucks:

Echo tells the story of Julie, a photographer caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. The government is testing an experimental flying suit, and when a test flight goes wrong, Julie ends up bonding to a piece of the shrapnel.

So now a shadowy group is after her symbiotic artifact and trying to kill her in the progress. Not bad, huh? Yeah. That's a pretty good story. Except I liked it better the first time I read it... when it was called Witchblade.

Uninspired genre tripe for 50 cents more per issue. No thanks. And while Witchblade had artists like Michael Turner and Mike Choi going for it, Echo features simplistic and sloppy backgrounds that appear rushed and amateur.



Contestant # 2: Jeff Smith


Claim to Fame: Bone

Bone came from out of nowhere and quickly became the biggest self-published juggernaut since TMNT. Multiple Eisner awards and many years of critical acclaim followed smith as he published this fantasy-comedy 1991-2004.

The New Book: Rasl, Cartoon Books

Why It Sucks:

Smith's cartoony style does not lend itself to this sci-fi adventure chronicling the adventures of a time-travelling art thief.

The concept isn't bad, but you're certainly not getting much bang for your buck. Smith specializes in splash pages and 4-panel jobs that don't move the story along quickly enough. This book desperately needs some exposition and dialogue - it reads in about three minutes.

Dull, droll, and did I mention it comes out once every fortyear? I think I'll take a pass.



Contestant # 3: Dave Sim

Claim to Fame: Cerebus

Let's face it: Dave Sim is the man. Certifiable and a raging misogynist? Shoor. But the fact of the matter is that the guy put self-publishing on the map, and put out 300 high-quality issues of Cerebus on time every time. He never sold out, and took a cue from Sinatra and did it his way.

The New Book: Glamourpuss

Why It Sucks:

How doesn't this suck? Dave. Buddy. The desire to draw photo-realistic teenage girls is good cause for seeking professional help. It is NOT a good reason to sucker thousands of loyal followers into spending $4.00 massaging your massive ego and indulging your Lolita complex.

Again, sir: DO seek help. Do NOT continue to publish this nonsense, which is in no way meaningful, entertaining, or healthy. That is all.

The Verdict

So who has the most cause for shame? The easy choice would be Sim, seeing as how he has gone quite starkers. But then, we always knew he was insane, so has he really fallen the farthest? I leave that decision up to you, dear reader.

One thing is for certain, though. The mighty have indeed fallen...

-Ryan

Old Man Logan

This eight issue story arc (starting with Wolverine #66) from Mark Miller is set 50 plus years in the future. The Heros have fallen and the United States we are used to is divided up into more and more unpleasant areas. Logan lives in California with his wife and two children. His farm, which I think is a Pig Farm, is not making enough money to pay the rent to his landlords. He refuses to sell his children's toys to pay for rent and when the Banners come a knockin' he gets knocked around like a red headed step child.

At this point in the story arc, Logan refuses to fight, something I hope we find out in later issues. The Banners, descendants from The Hulk, are an inbreed band of bully's who push Logan around but yet he refuses to fight. Down on his luck, Logan gets a visit from his old friend Hawkeye. He has a job for him, running drugs to New Babylon. We get the idea New Babylon is basically Washington D.C. by looking at the convenient map we get in each issue.

Without giving away any spoilers we can see the similarities with the movie "Unforgiven" from Clint Eastwood. The two old warriors on a long journey to save their farm. Even the roll of Hawkeye is played by Morgan Freeman in the movie. With his ability to shoot long distances except for the fact that Hawkeye is now blind. Oops did I give something away? Well you'll have to read it yourself. I saw all the similarities right away but that didn't detract me from lapping this story line up.

It's time to do "The Dark Knight" except with Wolverine and as far as I am concerned it's a no brainer to pick up. It's hip to do everthing dark now and in the long run I might look back at this and realize it was one of the first of MANY comics to go dark in the upcoming months and or years.

Overall this is one of the best story arcs to come out this year. It's by far the best story arc from Marvel. The only thing in my mind that is coming close to this is Pax Romana, from Hickman. We need more Pax Romana! Another great storyline for the year, which has been running for a few years now is "The Walking Dead". Pick up these if you haven't already but I know if you like Wolverine and Mark Miller you are going to love "Old Man Logan."

Story - 5 (It's something new and interesting with a dark and twisted path we are being lead on. Even though it might resemble "The Unforgiven", I still love the idea.

Artwork - 4.5 (The look of this comic is nearly flawless. The only problem I see with it is the darkness in ALL the pages. Then McGiven might be going for this with such a bleak outlook on the world after the Heroes fell, but it gets a little dark at times.)

Michael