Saturday, March 13, 2010

Does Mikey Likey?

Green Hornet # 1 Dynamite Entertainment
Scripts - Kevin Smith
Pencils - Johnathon Lau
$3.99, 23 pages right in the fucking goat ass. Not to mention, at least three splash pages.

NOTE - I am not as good of a reviewer as Ryan might be, but here it is anyways. A side note, I am not a woman hater at all. I wrote all that just all for laughs. I was trying to be funny and kind of got a little on the creepy side. Forgive me.

Is this book going to come out on time, well who knows, it's a Kevin Smith book, so he might just sit at home and smoke weed all day, rather then write this book. From what we've learned in the past, we can be sure this will NOT come out on time through the entire run.

The book starts with a little green flag saying "Then" at the top of page one and The Hornet watching a meeting between the Yakuza and the Italians. He's in the rafters looking down upon this warehouse full of bad men with guns and for some unknown reason he shoots the Yakuza leader with a fucking dart gun. Now I don't claim to know The Green Hornet too well, but is he fucking suicidal? Apparently not, because he jumps down in front of all those fucking armed men and they talk to him, instead of just gunning him down. The Hornet threatens everyone with violence if they don't stop breaking the law in his town and they still don't shoot his ass. They have him dead to rights, guns aimed right at him, less than twenty feet away and they still don't shoot his ass. At this point The Hornet decides to kick the gun out of a guys hand and start whooping some ass, well this works out well for him, because at this moment Kato drives a car through the wall and knocks down about half the armed men. Kato gets out and helps Britt kick some major ass and all is well. The Italians are down and so are the Yakuza. This all seems too easy to me, but I'm not a huge fan of pulp type fiction, so this might just be the norm, but that seemed way too unrealistic to me. I would have shot that fucking green jacketed freak the instant he jumped down from the rafters.

Anyways, Green Hornet and Kato drive home and share a tender moment where Britt says goodbye to Kato. It's very touching and quite unmanly in so many ways, but I guess it works. Kato says goodbye and walks away. Britt goes upstairs and looks in on his son, at that moment Janet, his stupid fucking whore bitch, puts a gun to his back. What kind of sick bitch puts a gun to Britts back? Now I would understand it if she was protecting her child, but she apparently knows it's him before she even sticks the gun in his back.

He proceeds to kick her worthless tired ass and she says lines that are even more tired then she is. Here is a little of the wonderful dialog that Kevin Smith should be ashamed of writing. "Don't move masked man." Then as Britt has her in a fucking spine breaker hold she says this, which made me want to puke, followed by Britt saying, "Any chance you had of getting lucky tonight just went south." "Jesus Janet you're out of your mind?" This line is what sealed the deal for me. It really goes to show that Kevin Smith is smoking too much weed, or is just phoning this in. "I'm almost out of a marriage, You ever get that rough with me again" Then Britt says, "But you stuck a gun in my ribs" and then the final nail in the prose coffin, "And that's the only thing that's getting stuck anywhere in this house tonight, lemme tell ya" Fuck that bitch. She deserved to get her ass beat down. Don't stick a fucking gun in the ribs of a man that just took out the Yakuza and the Italians. That's just plain retarded. She's lucky he didn't fucking kill her.

Well after this misunderstanding and felony beating, we learn that Britt is done, his whole city is finally cleaned up. They argue about things that are so old and tired it's barely worth mentioning, but I will anyways. She claims he's said this before and doesn't believe him...yadda yadda yadda and he says that's it true and this time for sure. blah blah blah heard this all before, but I can look past that, since I'm still worried about her lack of respect for his beat down abilities. Britt claims all the bad people he needs to deal with are gone and the rest of the small crimes the local police can take care of, so he's now retiring.

So the book switches to what is now "Today" according to Kevin Smith. Some young guy, I'm guessing Britts son, is in bed and this chick is packing up her bags and leaving his apartment. He's drowsy and getting up, but he asks her what's wrong and she tells him that she's leaving him because he hasn't asked her to marry him in four years. Apparently he's a total douche bag and we are supposed to feel sorry for him. I didn't. So she leaves and there is all this press outside of his house, I'm guessing he's famous or something, and their taking his pictures while he's in his boxers. She gets in her car and drives off. He's pissed at the situation and that the press is snapping pictures so he moons them. Meanwhile we see an older man, with gray hair looking at the photo of his sons ass and all he can say is, "He's in shape. I'll say that much for my son." How hom-erotic is that?

Overall this book looks great. Johnathon did a great job penciling this and the colors are wonderful. However the story is as thin as Jean Luc Picards hair and it didn't do anything for me at all. I am disappointed in Kevin Smith on this one. He can do better than this. This is too simple for Kevin Smith. Shame on you for making me want to read this because your name is at the top.


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