Damn Dirty Apes

Well, we now know the name of the next goddamn comics travesty…and it is Marvel Apes, hitting stands September 3.

Seriously? This is what the world needs right now?

Let's talk about the origins of this crime against humanity for a bit. Some inbred jackhole yelled the idea out across a sweat-saturated auditorium during a San Diego panel last year and Joe Quesada decided it was graphic gold.

Q. I need you to hear me. You are on a bad run, my friend. You need to take a step back and let the writers do your writing. (See: One More Day, Spider-Man)

But this isn't really about a D-Bag who made a bad joke that went too far. Clearly recognizing that the Zombie run is on its last fumes, (thank Christ for small favors), Marvel is attempting to assassinate the Golden Goose once again with this simian abomination.

I'm probably being too reactionary on this, but I felt like throwing up when I first read the story.

And to be fair, it is possible to salvage this piece of 4-color sewage. Most importantly, they need to acknowledge in the books themselves that this is a bad idea. It might work as satire. In the hands of somebody with more sophistication than Karl Kessel.

This could also work if they pull a Grant Morrissonian makeover and force us to feel something surprising for the Gibbon. If we can crawl inside this guy’s head and recognize something unique or greater than we thought, it can work as a character piece.

Finally, if they were to somehow play it straight and turn this bout of silliness into something that feels like a real threat, that would work. Recent history is really working against that, though. Who could feel anything now that we’ve experienced crisis after crisis after crisis after crisis….we're just too numb right now.

.

Get ready for this to suck giant pelican balls.

Oh, the variant excrement is already hitting us in full stride. My guess is that the Cable # 6 ape variant takes a little climb on September 4. Suckers.