Marvel: That Guy

Tanarus. Thank God we got that "clean jumping on point" for those movie folks!

I was trading emails this morning with friend of the Nick, he was asking me if X-Factor was being cancelled, and how upset we should be about it.  There's been no announcement, of course, the cancellation buzz stems from the fact that there's no solicitation to look at for the next edition of Previews.  Yet.  Marvel are being funny about this latest batch, sending their solicits in an untimely and incomplete fashion.

Layla - you got me on my knees

I'll tell you like I told Nick, I don't think it's being cancelled, and even if it was, cancelled doesn't mean what it used to.  Ultimate Spider-Man has been cancelled twice in the last three years.  Seems to be humming along just fine, unless you consider it a problem that the property has had to renumber three times in the last hour or so and change main characters to try and stay afloat.  Me?  I'd consider that a problem.

Uncanny X-Men is getting cancelled - cancelled like a fox!  Welcome to two new titles instead of one, yo!  There's your cancelled, buddy.

Peter David did an X-Position with CBR about a week ago, and he was talking about post-Schism shake-em-ups happening after issue # 230.  That doesn't sound like a dead book to me, although plans do change and work does get scrapped.  That sounds like a book ready to get "cancelled" so that it can regroup and relaunch with yet another new # 1 issue.  How original.  (yawn)

How upset should we be?  Hmmmm.  I'm pretty good at getting upset.  When it comes to Marvel, I've turned a bit of a corner and just can't be arsed any more.  You get to a point where an entity is so brazenly smarmy and stupid for so long, you just start to recognize them as that guy.  You can bitch about it, and I certainly have, but here's the thing - I used to bitch because I perceived the behavior as unnecessary, unjustified, avoidable, correctable.  That's where the pain comes from, the idea that things could and should be better.

Folks, it's time to understand and accept the fact that Marvel Comics are run by a pack of retarded musk oxen with drinking problems, and that's just the end of it.  We can't save it, we can't stop it, it's not going to get better while current management is in place, and so there's no sense in expending any more energy on it.

Marvel is that guy.

Marvel Comics

You know that guy.  In the old days he'd be a used car salesman, now he's probably a trader at a hedge fund.  His teeth are white, and he smiles a lot.  He's wearing the latest style, he's not afraid to mention that fact, and also unafraid to let you know that he didn't get it on sale, either.

He'd jam a phone book up his grandmother's ass if he could get $20 for a service fee, then have his lawyer sue his grandma for defamation of character and make some more money on the back end when she squealed, if you know what I mean.  If you asked him about it later, he'd lie with a sharp smile and tell you she asked him to do it, and that it actually cleared out some blockage for her.

You can talk to that guy, sometimes you can even profit from him a little.  He might land you an interview or get you a job at the firm if you can choke down the false saccharine bullshit pouring out of his mouth long enough to establish a "relationship" with him.  But you never want to talk to him, and you sure as shit aren't asking him out for drinks after work, because you feel like washing your hands after looking at him.

And next thing you know, you're out on your ass and fired and can't get a job anywhere in town, and you come to find out that that guy almost certainly fucked you behind your back for no discernible reason.  You can't prove it, but everything that guy touches ultimately turns to shit that benefits only himself in the most meaningless and short term ways.

That's what Marvel Comics are.

Listen, it doesn't take a forensics degree to work this out any more, and their behavior has gone from painful, to the sublimely absurd, to so far past Cartoon Land I can't seriously analyze this shit any more.

I mean, Fear Itself  # 7.1,  # 7.2, and #7.3????  C'mon, man, do I have to break down how underhanded and childish that is?  If it's part of the series, (which it obviously isn't, kay?) then you call it issues 8,9,10.  If you got a focus group of third graders and asked them to come up with a way to make more money on Fear Itself, that's what you would get.

Double shipping on books isn't enough for them, so let's take some half-ass aftermath material and just pretend it's an extension of the real thing, and the real thing sucks, by the way.  Just so you know.  SUCKS.  No balls, no soul, artificially inflated nonsense that is "changing everything", except until the next thing that's going to change everything next month.  SUCKS.

And oh, wait, remember that new Thor title the world absolutely needed as a clean jumping on point for that imaginary horde of new fans streaming out the movie theaters?  Yeah, not only does the Thor character in the comics already bear no real resemblance to the one portrayed by Hemsworth, but let's now remove him from the book after seven issues and replace him what....Tanarus?  Yes, let's replace him with an obvious (and desperately lame) gimmick carrying a "hammer" that looks like the world's worst grappling hook.  That really ought to solve all of our problems, yes?

Tanarus and insert him directly into some other asshole's asshole, because it isn't going in mine.  And just so we're clear, you can keep the Worthy, The Unworthy, The Henpecked, The Fearless, The Cuckolded, The Battle Scarred, and The Forgiven, too.  Don't need any of that bullshit.  Because I'm tired of being a member of The Bamboozled, and I don't believe a fucking word that comes out your lying, over-hyped mouths any more.  But I'm not going to get emotionally involved any more, because it doesn't pay.

Here's the deal, folks.  I don't advocate or promote boycotting Marvel, you'll never see me with a picket sign.  I'm not quitting them.  If you tread carefully, there are still some spectacular creators that are occasionally allowed to do terrific work over there.  Hickman's FF is wonderful.  I will adore Peter David's X-Factor as long as they let me, and frankly, Layla Miller is my favorite character in all of comics.  I don't know anybody who actually read Waid's Daredevil book that didn't fall completely in love.

There's no reason to deny yourself of Deadpool MAX, even though those stupid assholes just couldn't help but make it $3.99 and are also needlessly complicating the situation by throwing a new # 1 into our near future.  What David Lapham and Kyle Baker are doing on that book is truly exceptional, and worthy of your attention.  The creators are fine, and I will support any Marvel title that shines through the excrement.  When the excrement covers the shine, then I move on.

You just have to understand that while the talent is undeniable, the management is aggressively malignant.  This is a parody of a company.  I understand this, and Lao Tzu taught me that this too shall pass.  Someday.  In the meantime, I'm going to go have a beer with DC....

- Ryan